WrestleMania XX is so, so long…

Not fucking looking forward to this shit.

I’m not expected to sit and watch America the Beautiful am I? I mean. It’s a good tune and all. But I’m not watching this. Limp Bizkit more or less forced me to take a WWE MUSICAL GUEST break.

Why the fuck is the closing shot of the opening video the new McMahon grandchild? Is he main eventing tonight? Actually that’d probably be pretty cool.

Oh what the fuck, they’re not using the short ramp?

Cena’s rap… no.

Big Show v John Cena

Well this… was a match. A match I instantly forgot and have no idea of what happened in it. Am I going to go back and watch it again? Shit no!

JOHN CENA WINS

Coachman is the least interesting cool black guy ever.

Randy Orton cuts a pretty spectacularly shitty promo with RIC FLAIR and Batista at his side. In a back staircase. Randy’s seen people, you know, speak before, right? Did he do a lot of PCP as a child and it’s permanently left his eyes all googly, so when people speak he sees them bobbing their heads constantly? What the fucking fuck, Randy. What the fucking fuck.

Just realized that La Resistance’s theme song is the same music from the Undertaker/Flair video package a couple of years back. I thought it felt weird then.

Jindrak and Cade have the worst knock off of The Mob Rules ever. The best of course being from Maximum Carnage.

La Resistance v Booker T & RVD v The Dudleys v Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak

So the last four team tag match at a WM was on X8 and that was pretty bad but somewhat redeemable because at least you had a fun table spot. This match has the Dudleys and it also has Booker T, who has been the only redeemable part of Mania matches with Edge and HHH. So I didn’t think this match would be the worst. Well. I was wrong.

BOOKER T & RVD WIN

Coachman is a cock blocker? Way to make him even fucking LESS cool.

Chris Jericho v Christian

Well this is a fun storyline match. I mean for a match built on a guy who wants revenge on his ex best friend for beating his woman, you’d think Jericho would show some more fire, but it’s Chris Jericho so you gotta adjust your expectations. And he was actually pretty good here! Definite step up from the last several matches of his at Mania and I was impressed. Trish was really fucking awesome by this point so her coming out, accidentally costing Jericho the match, and then turning on him and making out with Christian was all pretty spectacular. I liked it!

CHRISTIAN WINS

The Rock cuts a fantastic promo backstage. Of course.

The Rock & Mick Foley v Ric Flair & Randy Orton & Batista

This got clipped a lot because my DVD skipped. I have this on a burned disc somewhere. I remember it being pretty good. What I saw of it was good. So we’ll say it was good!

EVOLUTION WINS

Awwwwww Heenan saying he wished Monsoon was here is fucking heartbreaking. Legit would rather watch that again and again instead of…

Torrie Wilson & Sable v Miss Jackie & Stacy Keibler

Well. They build well to Stacy coming in to show her ass. And the rollling covers were… okay it’s not good but if for some reason you really need to rub one out and the only thing you have is Mania XX, it’ll probably do the job.

TORRIE AND SABLE WIN

LOL Paul London made WrestleMania!?

Oh fuck off, a Chris Benoit talking piece? No one wants that. Especially not with his hair slicked back to show off his brutally receding hairline. Even Eddie can’t say that. Also Cody’s mom is totally right, Benoit looks like he could kill someone.

My God. Why do all of the fucking Japanese guys have music that goes TIKA TIK TONG CHUNG CHING?

Cruiserweight Open

Man this is really a stupid format. You have ten guys you have to get in with only ten minutes. I figured “well, at least there will be lots of Rey”. Nope, there’s lots of Billy Kidman. Rey does get a couple minutes to rule in, and rule he does, but it’s still just a couple minutes and a Flash costume. There’s barely any Chavo, Noble is pretty disappointing, and I can’t stop laughing and screaming TIKA TIKA TIK TIK TONG at all the Japanese guys.

CHAVO GUERRERO WINS

Brock Lesnar v Goldberg

I think this match gets really unfairly shit on by a lot of people because of the terrible crowd. If you get a crowd who’s already decided that they’re not going to get into the match and instead are gonna chant whatever Shane McMahon starts chanting, well, there’s not much you can do. They probably figured that they’d have to work in all the stalling at the start of the match because of the crowd reaction. Well, that was a smart move, but everyone in the ring is pretty clearly baffled by it and they draw out the stalling to see if the crowd is gonna shut the fuck up. Well, they don’t. So they were more or less working handicapped to begin with. But the match itself really isn’t all that bad. I mean, it isn’t really that good. Don’t get me wrong. Brock gives up trying to get anyone into it about halfway through and starts pulling everything and really working in slow motion, and again, it’s hard to have heated nearfalls if the crowd doesn’t want to cheer you, and this match really needed those. But it’s not an end of the world catastrophe either. I actually thought the wild stalling at the beginning added to the match (even if long term the crowd would hurt it) and I really liked the opening ‘test of strength’ style lock up, thought they really worked it well and got the sense of a struggle across. The mid-match abdominal stretch I thought worked a lot better than whatever the fuck resthold Angle threw on Lesnar in the XIX match. Still not great, but there was enough good stuff here to keep it from being horrendous. Crowd and all.

GOLDBERG WINS

Vince wins the award for ‘most bitter face while making a ‘thank you’ speech’.

APA

ALWAYS

POUNDING

ASS

APA v World’s Greatest Tag Team v Basham Brothers v Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty

Bradshaw’s clothesline on whichever Basham made this acceptable.

RIKISHI & SCOTTY WIN

Edge is coming… holy fuck that seems like such a threat now. And from Goldberg one year to Edge the next is… yeah.

Jesse Ventura is here to kill time. I am going to get a drink. Because I do not care.

WHY WOULD YOU WASTE THE BEST STIP IN WRESTLING ON VICTORIA

VICTORIA!!!!!!!!!!

Victoria v Molly Holly

Molly selling fear post-match was dramatically better than anything in the match. And even then, all I could think of was how much more efficient CM Punk is at shaving a woman’s head than Victoria is. Again, WHY WOULD YOU WASTE THIS MATCH ON VICTORIA.

VICTORIA WINS

Kurt walking out and slowly taping his fist with dead eyes while Eddie has his hands tied behind his back is one of the more chilling things I’ve seen WWE do. They should recreate it with Punk coming out to murder Rey. I think that’d be fun!

Eddie Guerrero v Kurt Angle

Wow, this was a fucking let down. I liked the last three minutes and exactly nothing else. About ten minutes in I was drawing comparisons to Shawn/Jericho in my mind. And well it wasn’t that bad. Eddie Guerrero would never let it be that bad. But it was shockingly dull for something like twenty minutes before ANOTHER FINISHER KICK OUT. Holy fuck, what is with this show and finisher kick outs followed by roll up or other similar finishes? Was all of 2004 like this? Anyway, from the frog splash that somehow didn’t end the match on this was pretty good. But that’s not a good thing. Sorry, Eddie.

EDDIE GUERRERO WINS

Undertaker gets to be a cross in his picture? That’s a little presumptuous, no?

Undertaker v Kane

Wow this show is doing a tremendous job of putting me to sleep.

UNDERTAKER WINS lol obviously

Triple H v Shawn Michaels v Chris Benoit

This match is… hmm. Equal parts boring, Yakety Sax, creepy, and cool. Benoit is the only one with anything resembling offense I actually want to see, but he’s primarily taking everyone else’s stuff. Which is just as fine, because while he is the only one with good looking stuff, he also used that same stuff to destroy himself and kill his family. And yeah it’s cool seeing him win the title and he’s crying and it means a lot to him but fuck him, you know? The fuck should I be happy for a child killer for? I also really hate the WWE three way formula, where two guys hit one guy so he gets to lay on the outside, the other two guys trade holds or suplexes or punches or some shit until the third guy comes and knocks a different guy out and the two guys left trade holds or suplexes or punches or some shit, repeat ad nauseum. This match is certainly guilty of it as anything. Michaels bleeds an absolute fuck ton, his face is totally covered, but it kind of crosses the line between ‘wow that is a great visual’ and gets into ‘well shit his dick was everywhere in the 90s shouldn’t someone be a little worried about this?’ territory. But how much of all this is me just being really tired and in no desire to see anymore of this show? I mean, the table bump was pretty cool. And once HHH got stuck in the crossface the second time he sold it really well like a struggle (the first time he sat there waiting to roll over). So I don’t know.

CHRIS BENOIT WINS

JR said that for his money this is the best WrestleMania. Well JR, this is why you can’t fucking walk away from WWE, you gamble all your money on retarded fucking shit like that. This show was baaaaaaad. I’m now running out of time to finish these by the time I leave for Phoenix and God dammit, after this show I kind of just want to watch the Punk/Hardy feud from last year to get me psyched about wrestling again. I mean my favorite match on the show was the match that I didn’t even get to see all of. Like. WHAT.

1. Evolution/Rock N Sock
2. Jericho/Christian
3. Goldberg/Lesnar
4. Benoit/HHH/Michaels
5. Guerrero/Angle
6. Cruiserweight Open
7. Cena/Show
8. Undertaker/Kane
9. Sable & Torrie/Jackie & Stacy
10. The four way tag with Bradshaw
11. The four way tag without Bradshaw
12. Victoria/Molly

TOP 15

1. Austin/Rock, X-Seven
2. Austin/Rock, XIX
2. Hogan/Rock, X8
4. McMahon/McMahon, X-Seven
5. TLC, X-Seven
6. Hogan/Vince, XIX
7. Flair/Undertaker, X8
8. Mysterio/Hardy, XIX
9. Evolution/Rock N Sock, XX
10. Angle/Benoit, X-Seven
11. Austin/Hall, X8
12. Christian/DDP, X8
13. Los Guerreros/Team Angle/Benoit & Rhyno, XIX
14. Edge/Booker, X8
15. Jericho/Christian, XX

WRESTLEMANIA RANKING

1. X-Seven
2. X8
3. XIX
4. XX