More WrestleMania! Now with RESULTS!

Yeah so Bryan liked the last post but didn’t like that I didn’t tell him who won the matches. So we’ll change that. Because he’s a bitch.

WRESTLEMANIA X8!!!! MY BEARD IS ITCHY!!!!

Ah here we go… a show open with various wrestlers talking about how cool WrestleMania is. More of what I’m used to. No one in a barn.

Rob Van Dam v William Regal

RVD’s offense looks atrocious in this match, and he gets way too much of it for my liking. The opening stretch in particular is just shit punch after shit forearm after shit kick. Then Regal takes over and it briefly gets very, very awesome. Regal is really just the best. Everything he does, from kneeing RVD square in the mouth to repeatedly forearming him, well, square in the mouth, to the brutal looking suplex to his utter distaste for an ignorant referee taking away his decoy brass knuckles, is utterly fantastic. The Tiger Driver was also a really nice touch that I thought looked nasty. However the match is too short and has too much of RVD in control to really be any good. Poor Regal can only do so much. He really needs to be on more WrestleManias.

ROB VAN DAM WINS

Why the fuck is Christian trying to make anime faces?

Why the fuck is Christian’s shirt made out of cheap soccer netting?

Christian’s theme song is fantastic though which makes up for the above two points.

Christian v Diamond Dallas Page

Man, this match surprised the shit out of me, because it was fucking good. Sure, maybe most of the drama was me wondering if Christian’s straw-looking hair would catch fire and if there’d be a real tragedy, but everything looked pretty good and Christian was a total dick. Mocking DDP and then turning around to a nice punch in the face is pretty fun. And DDP’s cutter is pretty awesome looking.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE WINS

The Rock cuts a fantastic promo. Of course.

GOL FUCKING DUST. OH FUCK YEAH.

Goldust v Maven

Maven takes a nice bump into the barricade but he looks pretty lost the rest of the time. Goldust, on the other hand, rules it and holds this together with nice snug punches and kicks. I really liked the use of the golden shovel, I wasn’t sure what the fuck he was going to do with it when he pulled it out, but I thought it was fairly creative. Then Goldust takes a bump to the outside, Spike Dudley runs in and wins the title. What?

SPIKE DUDLEY WINS

I hate having Drowning Pool play over the video package for the title match. I mean, for one thing, why is this on this early in the show? For another, WWF obviously feels obligated to focus the camera on Drowning Pool. Which makes sense, they shelled out for the band, so why not? However, I sure as shit wasn’t watching the build up for this match, and a combination of a) having no sound during the build up video because Drowning Pool is playing and b) not being able to actually watch the video because Drowning Pool is all over my screen means that I have NO idea what the fuck the storyline is. Usually WWF throws out a rocking video to get you stoked for the match. Yeah, not this. You get to see random clips of Stephanie flaring her nostrils and Jericho and Helmsley posing set to a mid-tempo song that is inexplicably played very quietly. The front man, at the very end, says “I CAN’T HEAR YOU”. Great man! We haven’t been able to hear you for the last four minutes either!

On the other hand, it gave me the opportunity to eat cheesecake, so that’s pretty positive.

Spike and Crash Holly brawling is terrible. Really terrible. Hurricane wins the hardcore title by flying in and making sound effects with his mouth, I think. Is that an official move?

Kurt Angle’s entrance rules.

Angle’s promo about Jamie Sale and David Pelletier winning gold medals makes me feel old. Somehow the show feels way, way older than the 2002 Olympics. Which of course isn’t true. But I remember those like it was yesterday and watching this show feels like peering into a time machine.

Kurt Angle v Kane

I liked this match too. What is going on? Two straight years of good Kurt Angle matches (kind of). Not looking forward to watching him fall apart over time. On the other hand, somehow I may end up…liking…Kurt…Angle? That may be worse. Has Kane ever had a match this good? I really liked the CM Punk matches, but there’s almost no way Kane had a better ‘Mania match than this. Kurt’s Germans look fucking brave, I’m almost positive he’s basically violently placing Kane on his own head. For whatever reason the middle stretch of the match is pretty boring and slow, despite functionally being not much different from the open. Then all of a sudden Kurt decides that Kane is a luchador and, being that Kurt is a hated heel, needs to have his mask ripped off. I absolutely agree with his decision. The finish is kind of awkward looking, I think everyone was expecting the roll up to keep rolling and end in an ankle lock, kinda looked like Kane thought that too. And the top rope suplex is stupid as always. But hey, this was fun.

KURT ANGLE WINS

Do we need to talk about Hurricane being a peeping tom? I didn’t think so. Who the fuck were those girls, anyway?

Undertaker’s entrance still gets me beyond jazzed. He should have stayed a biker heel forever and ever. Can we have him come back as Big Evil? Please? I’ll be a good boy all year, Santa.

Ric Flair v Undertaker

God damn, this is pretty much just the long, drawn out murder of Ric Flair. Everything ‘Taker brings to the table is pretty nasty and violent. I mean he’s no Bill Regal, but he looks like an effective Flair murdering machine. Flair is a pretty great sympathetic babyface, bleeding from every pore in his forehead and refusing to quit until he’s beat. And then he’s beat, but ‘Taker keeps it going, heeling it up with shit talking and general dickery. Arn Anderson’s run in is a big mark out moment. Really awesome brawl, more or less makes up for the shitty HHH match from the year before.

UNDERTAKER WINS

Hahahahahahahaha Skinny Michael Cole and his frosted tips

Booker T playing the idiot black. Well.

Edge v Booker T

What the fuck? Even this match was pretty good. Edge kind of sucks but Booker is laying in and leaning in on pretty much every move thrown either way. Booker’s break dancing ‘move’ is stupid though, nothing like an idiot black who also dances for the white people. Wish this was Regal v Booker instead, I get a feeling that may have been match of the night. Of course, that means you’re stuck with Edge v RVD. Yuck.

EDGE WINS

Mighty Molly winning the hardcore title makes up for Hurricane’s entire existence.

I badly, badly want to fuck a girl while the nWo song plays. I worry about you, Bevvy. I worry a LOT.

Stone Cold Steve Fucking Austin v Scott Hall

Hall is someone I really like because when I made the dubious decision to start watching wrestling post-childhood, all I really remembered was Razor Ramon. So I was pleasantly surprised to see Hall look pretty good here. I dug Nash a lot too, but that’s not out of the ordinary because I almost always dig Nash. It’s Kevin Nash! The man IS pro wrestling. Austin as your typical face working underneath is kind of weird to watch and I don’t think he was that into it because he didn’t look all that great until he was on offense and even then he was somewhat disappointing. Kind of think that if you let Austin be the ass kicker and let him beat up Maven for four minutes and gave Dustin and Hall twelve that you’d have two better matches. But that’s getting into way too much fantasy booking and this is yet another match I liked. Not sure if I’m in a generous mood or what the fuck is going on here.

STONE COLD WINS

WWF Axxess recap means I’m going to get a drink of something. Am I going to miss anything? Somehow doubt it.

I come back to a disc swap screen. Fuck!

Did not know that Saliva was grinding music. Doesn’t look like anyone got that memo but Stacy Keibler. And I guess she can make her own rules. Why not?

Billy & Chuck v the APA v the Dudley Boyz v The Hardy Boyz

Why the fuck was the APA eliminated first? All I wanted from this match was some Stacy ass and Bradshaw beating the dick off of the Hardys. Bradshaw clothesline the fuck out of Billy Gunn and I get super excited ‘yeah can’t wait til the Hardys get in that’s gonna be the best’. Bradshaw is immediately eliminated. What the fuck? And why is Jeff so fucking white? Like, SO white. Off-white, if you will. And he’s in a rapey mood for some reason, I guess if you smoke a lot of meth it’s not really any big deal to spank random women and force them to make out with you. Then again I suppose WWF will say she was asking it because misogyny is pretty awesome. But that spot is still fun if only because Stacy literally sells her ass being in pain longer than anyone else has ever sold a Jeff Hardy strike ever. And then something else happens and Bubba is all like TIME TO DIE JEFF HARDY. Well that was pretty cool. And D-Von’s bump through the table is pretty cool. But this match is pretty much worthless.

THE GUYS WITH THE FAGGOT GIMMICK WIN

I MEAN BILLY AND CHUCK WIN

I like Molly has a blonde. Immediately after deciding that some twat hits her with a door. CHRISTIAN. Oh, Christian. You twat.

Hulk Hogan v The Rock

This is probably the loosest match that I will ever like. Just a total atmosphere match. An experience, if you will. Hogan brings some fun heel tricks like BITING ROCKY’S HEAD. Rock takes his standard reckless looking bump to the floor. Everything looks pretty weak. But you’ve got two pros playing off of an incredibly hot crowd, adapting to what the fans wanted to see instead of doing what they had planned out in the back. The first couple big nearfalls are intense. Hogan’s hulk up is absolutely chill inducing. Rock kicking out of the leg drop made me break out into a huge grin. This would have been a fun fucking match to be at live. Your quintessential clash of the titans match. Sometimes you don’t need a guy punching another guy in the mouth really fucking hard to have a good match. Just most times.

THE ROCK WINS

The post-match face turn actually seems pretty anti-climatic because it’s blatantly obvious to everyone in the arena that Hogan is already a babyface. Plus we literally just watched Nash and Hall get beaten up. But you still get your big WrestleMania moment and everyone is happy so sure, why not?

Still pretty stunned how good Lita looks in 01/02 compared to 2006. Wrestling does not age women kindly.

Lita v Jazz v Trish Stratus

Lita let out a mouse-like squeak when Trish hit her. As for the rest of the match, well, no one cared and neither do I. Three ways suck, shitty three ways suck worse, and the only thing worse than a shitty three way is a shitty, boring women’s three way where one person falls over, one person covers, and the third breaks up that fall. A pretty big failure. Lita getting pissed and giving up mid-way through is pretty amusing though. If you like your wrestling to feature a healthy helping of not trying.

JAZZ WINS

Maven winning the hardcore title and leaving the show with it really makes all of these backstage ‘matches’ seem extremely fucking pointless.

Chris Jericho v Triple H

Holy shit HHH looks horrible. He is way, way too fucking big, absolutely covered in oil to the point where his chest looks A DIFFERENT COLOR than his arms, the obsession with having your hair wet leaves him with curly ringlets and plenty of visible scalp, and he looks like an ancient, ancient man. I mean, the oil alone. Holy shit. If you bump and leave a GREASE STAIN you are doing something wrong. Very wrong.

Who the fuck dressed Stephanie for WrestleManias? Another year of shitty hair and clothes. Can that blue rubber jumpsuit even be called clothes? She looks like a wrestling plumber with terrible implants. Why get new breasts if you’re just going to not wear a bra and let them sag anyway? Fuck’s sakes.

Things are very bad when Jericho’s random pink ponytail and typically silly ring vest by far wins the fashion prize for the main event.

These are all more interesting than the actual match. Why does Triple H insist on doing that shitty ‘fly over the top rope for no reason off of an Irish whip to a corner’ bump? Why does he land on his back from said bump and begin selling his quad? How did they fuck this match up so badly? Look at the finish, Hunter catches Jericho in the pedigree and the place goes NUTS. Why were they not able to capitalize on that for the entire match? What it is about Triple H main events that makes no one give a fuck until the finish? That’s two straight WrestleManias and two straight massive disappointments. Was Chris Jericho even in this fucking match? The biggest match of your wrestling year should not have more interest in what everyone is wearing.

TRIPLE H WINS

Overall I thought this was a really, really good show, even though the beginning and ending were let downs. The middle is solid as fuck. Is it better than X-Seven, no, no it isn’t, but it’s also not a gigantic gap. Like XXV this is a show where after it ends you focus on the main event and how shitty it was instead of how good the rest of the show was. Like X-Seven you have a bunch of matches with either good bodies and shit finishes or shit bodies but good finishes. But X-Seven also had four solid top to bottom matches that beat the top four on this show, so it wins. For now.

Best matches!

1. Hogan/Rock
2. Flair/Undertaker
3. Austin/Hall
4. Christian/DDP
5. Edge/Booker
6. Kane/Angle
7. Goldust/Maven
8. Regal/RVD
9. APA/Hardyz/Dudleyz/Billy & Chuck
10. HHH/Jericho
11. Jazz/Trish/Lita

YOUR OVERALL BEST 15 MATCHES OF THE LAST HOWEVER MANY YEARS OF WRESTLEMANIA

1. Austin/Rock
2. Hogan/Rock
3. McMahon/McMahon
4. TLC
5. Flair/Undertaker
6. Angle/Benoit
7. Austin/Hall
8. Christian/DDP
9. Edge/Booker
10. Kane/Angle
11. Jericho/Regal
12. Undertaker/HHH
13. Goldust/Maven
14. Chyna/Ivory
15. Eddie/Test

Sure, why not?

THE PAST NINE WRESTLEMANIAS IN ORDER OF AWESOMENESS

1. X-Seven
2. X8

ANYMORE LISTS, YOU LIST FAG?

Nope!