WrestleMania 21 is talkin’ to me?

Lillian looks so happy to be singing America the Beautiful. That makes me very happy for her. A feel good moment, if you will. And also a moment in which I press R1 and skip ahead. Sorry gorgeous.

The vignettes throughout the show of WWE does Hollywood or however you want to describe them are pretty fucking fun. This is a catch all, I don’t want to have to talk about it a thousand times.

Eddie Guerrero v Rey Mysterio

Man I thought this was really fucking great. If I wasn’t so tired, I’d probably watch it multiple times in a row. That said… am I far too tired to really articulate what I liked about it and how great it was (as much as one can articulate anything when writing a wrestling blog, I suppose)? Absolutely. :(

REY MYSTERIO WINS

I liked the backstage bit where HHH and JBL run into each other and talk shit. Kind of got over RAW and Smackdown! as different worlds in a sense. I don’t know.

Chris Jericho v Chris Benoit v Christian v Shelton Benjamin v Edge v Kane

Man this match is actually really good, it’s structured like a match that happens to have a lot of nutty spots and bumps as opposed to a bunch of nutty spots and bumps where someone wins at the end. Going into this I was kind of dreading watching all of these MITB matches, I mean, what passes for match structure in your ‘modern’ MITB is call back spots to the finish of the prior year’s. Which I mark for. But anyway, I was really surprised with this, you had your requisite silly bumps and spots that looked good, you had Benoit getting his arm destroyed and actually selling it all match and having it play into the finish, everyone feels like a legitimate option to win. Again my brain is a bit mushy at the moment and given how much better the opener was I’m kind of embarrassed that I can’t think of anything to say about that when I can ramble on about (nothing) this one but hey. This was good. And Jericho’s beard was great.

EDGE WINS

Eugene, I love Eugene, I really do. It’s such an offensive gimmick but man he plays it really cute. I choose to think of him as a loveable child. Pretty sure Anne would have never gotten into wrestling if he’d been around the last few years though. Eugene also always brings huge heat onto whoever is attacking him. I fucking HATED Triple H when he was murdering Eugene (now I just hate watching him murder my eyes with shit matches). So I am sitting here all ‘fuck that God damn Arab Hassan even though yeah he isn’t really Arab wait when did I become racist’ and then HULK HOGAN comes out. Awesome. And yes, your big WrestleMania moment probably shouldn’t be a U-S-A!!!! type face beating up a heel working a evil foreigner gimmick but man this is your stupid fun segment so I am gonna shut up and cheer.

When the fuck does ‘Taker ever come out first?

Undertaker v Randy Orton

They had a lot of neat ideas that kind of looked really shitty but it was fairly good anyway. In particular the punch exchange stand off, which seems like a precursor to the boo/yay punch exchange stand off, looked awful, the ref bump was awful, and as great as the RKO out of a chokeslam SEEMS, it was pulled off pretty shittily here. I still liked it though so whatever I guess.

UNDERTAKER WINS

I should really consider getting a red can of spray paint and spraying SLUT on bitches’ backs, that looks so fun. Oh how I love you Trish.

Trish Stratus v Christy Hemme

This match is fucking fantastic for my penis. However it’s really not as good as *I* wanted it to be, Trish is a fucking great heel with her taunting and bullying and shit talk but Christy’s offense actually somehow looks better than Trish’s. Don’t know if Trish was taking it easy cause she didn’t want to hurt her or what. I on the other hand thinking hurting her could be quite fun. You know what, let’s just move on. Match of the year.

TRISH WINS

Why does Shawn still have the 1996 pop gun pyro?

This is also the WrestleMania debut of Shawn’s plastic chaps. His spray tan also makes him glow a bright, Space Jam-like orange.

Shawn Michaels v Kurt Angle

Holy shit, this was an absolute MESS. Shawn is an absolute poor man’s Eddie Guerrero and this was essentially a longer version of the Eddie/Angle match from last year. Throw in a shitty table bump and more emphasis on the ankle lock and boom, you have this match. Brian told me that this tore down the house, I wasn’t aware that the Staple Center was made of cards.

KURT ANGLE WINS

Piper’s Pit was super fun, Roddy getting annoyed with the WHAT! chants and adjusting on the fly was great. Piper and Austin are always fun. Carlito not so much.

Big Show v Akebono

Could have been pretty cool but I kinda started laughing and then it was over so I don’t really know what happened.

AKEBONO WINS

Another weird video package theme song, this one has the song from the “please don’t try this” video. Don’t try taking the title from Bradshaw? Well okay.

JBL v John Cena

Wow, this was really not good. I’ve really liked some of their matches together but this is pretty much the worst match I’ve ever seen them have. Really boring and pretty much just there. A lot like the Cena/Big Show match from last year, actually. Actually I already forgot this match. Maybe it wasn’t bad?

JOHN CENA WINS

Nothing in the HOF recap is as emotional as Heenan from XX.

Holy shit, Michelle McCool with a body on her. No fucking way.

Eppppppic video build for the main event.

Motorhead gets another shot at playing HHH to the ring. They were better in 2001.

Triple H v Batista

Ew.

BATISTA WINS

This show started strong as fuck and then really fell off a cliff. The ‘big three’ matches were all really boring and typical of a bad style that I just have no interest in watching. Taking the same matches I’ve seen in prior years and plugging new guys into it isn’t going to make me like it anymore unless you’re putting in someone who actively enhances the formula. But this was still an improvement as a show because the first match was legitimately great and the second was very, very good. So not a complete failure. But a let down after the first few matches, for sure.

1. Mysterio/Guerrero
2. MITB
3. Taker/Orton
4. Hemme/Stratus
5. Triple H/Batista
6. Cena/JBL
7. Angle/Michaels
8. Akebono/Big Show

TOP 15

1. Austin/Rock, X-Seven
2. Austin/Rock, XIX
3. Hogan/Rock, X8
4. McMahon/McMahon, X-Seven
5. Mysterio/Guerrero, 21
6. TLC, X-Seven
7. MITB, 21
8. Hogan/Vince, XIX
9. Flair/Undertaker, X8
10. Mysterio/Hardy, XIX
11. Evolution/Rock N Sock, XX
12. Undertaker/Orton, 21
13. Angle/Benoit, X-Seven
14. Austin/Hall, X8
15. Christian/DDP, X8

WRESTLEMANIA RANKING

1. X-Seven
2. X8
3. 21
4. XIX
5. XX