WrestleMania XIX is a crack addict

I like the opening video. Probably would have liked it better if it wasn’t the exact same video as last year.

Young Michael Cole is still hilarious looking.

When the fuck was Daredevil ever this purple? I love you Rey but… come on.

I may actually end up liking the Safeco set, with the long winding ramp, more than I like any of these matches. We’ll see.

Matt Hardy v Rey Mysterio

GET OUT THE CELLPHONES! What? It’s fucking 2003. This is the precursor to Michael Cole, in 2010, ranting about Twitter. Christ. Anyway this match ruled. Rey Mysterio is the fucking best and

OH GOOD THE MILLER CATFIGHT GIRLS ARE HERE

MATT HARDY WINS

I like the idea of Limp Bizkit playing Undertaker down to the ring. On paper. Fred Durst seems to have suffered from a bad case of the Vince Neils and again live WWE music is inexplicably quiet. This was so fucking lame until Taker showed up on his bike. Then it was just regular lame. Taker’s bike can save almost anything.

Undertaker v Big Show & A-Train

I like everyone in this match but this was not good. There wasn’t anything WRONG with it, Train was working nice and snug and it was your standard formulaic handicap match, maybe even a high end handicap match, but it was pretty boring and plodding. Biker Taker is just not really a sympathetic babyface. Especially when he spends most of the match getting up and punching the shit out of his equal sized opponents. Disappointing.

UNDERTAKER WINS lol obviously

I guess women aren’t important enough for proper pyro, they get confetti instead. Trish is God damn fantastic looking though.

Man what the fuck did 2003 do to Stevie Richards?

Victoria v Trish Stratus v Jazz

Fucking terrible. Maybe worse than last year’s. Victoria is seriously the fucking worst. The finish is a kick to the gut! What the fuck? Trish is mostly just here to show off a healthy amount of her vagina. She does a fucking spectacular job of this. However, so does Jazz. D:

TRISH STRATUS WINS

Wouldn’t NOW be an opportune time for the confetti treatment as opposed to the entrance?

The Rock cuts a fantastic promo. Of course.

Eddie Guerrero & Chavo Guerrero v Chris Benoit & Rhyno v Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas

I hate the format for this match. Multi-way tag team matches are generally the epitome of ‘ugh’. This was pretty cool though because you have three dudes who are fucking awesome (Eddie, Chavo, and the child killer) and one guy who has a great looking finish (Rhyno) and the match is smartly built around these strengths. And really I just can’t hate a match with this much Eddie. Even if I had an awkward moment with my cat when Benoit put him in the crossface and said ‘OH NO DON’T DO IT CHRIS YOU’LL KI’ and then got very quiet when I realized that they’re both dead. Minion was disappointed with me. Tremendously disappointed.

BENJAMIN AND HAAS WIN

Why does one of the catfight girls pronounce it “Holgan”?

Chris Jericho was sexy looking in 2003. That is all.

The hype video for this match has me fucking HYPED. Great piece of business, that.

The confetti guns being placed randomly is more American Gladiators than WrestleMania. But back when I was afraid Goldust was actually trying to fuck Razor Ramon in the butt, I was also an avid Gladiators fan, so this is fine by me.

Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho

Shawn’s post-crisis hairline rears it’s ugly head and is the most brutal looking piece of offense in this match. What the fuck were they trying for here? For the most part this is your basic indy match in front of a giant crowd with a couple pieces of over offense. Do they build around that offense? No. Do they do anything unique or cool looking? No. Do they at least look like they aren’t moving underwater? No. No they do not even manage that. I know I said the handicap match was plodding but THIS was plodding. Apparently they were unwilling to make this look like a fight so they tried to make this… well I don’t know what. There is a somewhat neat subplot where Jericho wants to out-Michaels Michaels, but that’s pretty clearly given up on when they have Jericho superkick Shawn and then immediately move on to the next shitty looking wave of whatever the hell this is supposed to be. The best part of this match was after the match where Jericho kicks Shawn in the knee which is apparently where his dick is. That’s not vain or anything. Yikes.

SHAWN MICHAELS WINS

GOLDBERG IS COMING. OH FUCK YES.

Shit, I temporarily forgot that this is from 2003. Goldberg isn’t coming :(

More live Limp Bizkit? Do we have to?

We’re not talking about the pillow fight. I’m sorry, we’re not. It’s stupid. It’s not even good wank material. Unless you want to see Coach get rolled up and have his dick dangling in his tightie whities. Cancels out the Stacy roll up and yeah. Not talking about it.

Lots has been said on the whole race element of the Booker T/HHH feud but let’s be honest… why the fuck was Booker T in a world title match at WrestleMania? I did like the ending line in the video though, with Hunter telling Flair that no one told Booker T he didn’t have a chance as Hunter walks away all shook. Makes you think HHH took him seriously. Hahaha.

Once again Triple H is wearing far, far too much baby oil on his chest.

Triple H v Booker T

Holy fuck I hate wrestling

TRIPLE H WINS

Total 1995 movie trailer feel to this build video. Love it.

Mr. McMahon v Hulk Hogan

Well I’ll be honest, I really enjoyed this, but I as soon as the finishing bell rang I had to run and drop a shit (hello, female readers!), so I more or less forget what I wanted to say. Pretty fun old man match though, both guys bled a ton and drew everyone in like the old pros they are. The table bump was a kind of crazy thing for these two to be doing, and the Piper heel turn was fun. Not as fun as Psycho Vince coming up from the apron looking positively deranged with blood pouring down his face, but fun. This was going to end up longer but, well, duty calls.

HULK HOGAN WINS

Right into the next match? Fair enough.

Austin’s walk down the curving ramp looks huge and epic.

Stone Cold Steve Fucking Austin v The Rock

Now THIS was a great match. The two biggest and most important wrestlers of an era match up for one last time. This is really Rocky’s match. Start to finish he’s pretty much out of this world, mocking the fans for chanting Austin, throwing on Stone Cold’s ring vest to be a cunt, really just great heel stuff that makes you wish he stuck around longer. He’s also pretty smart, anyone who’s watched the previous matches knows that they always end up with both guys kicking out of every finisher, this time Austin tries to work the regular brawl and Rocky is all fuck that shit, I’m gonna break your knee. This in turn leads directly to Austin being slower on the cover after hitting a big move and slower to recover after taking one. The finish is great, you expect Austin to get up and start hitting some of his own bombs, but it never happens, Austin makes you believe with each kick out that he’ll pull it out but it’s a matter of time for Rock; this is Custer’s last stand, after all. Fantastic match and a great cap on the rivalry.

THE ROCK WINS

The video to build the main event… really stupid looking. Like. How did you people sit through that shit? Yuck.

Kurt Angle v Brock Lesnar

Match starts pretty cool with some nifty amateur stuff but then it absolutely falls apart. The typical ‘welp, mat stuff didn’t work so let’s punch and kick each other!’ routine doesn’t really work if you don’t lay in with your punches and kicks. Lesnar was visibly pulling his stuff, wonder if he didn’t want to accidentally punch a hole through Angle’s neck or not, which is a fair point. So that looked like shit and then we had Kurt’s control segment, which, God bless Brock, also looked shitty. Kurt just kinda sits there with a chinlock or something, but he doesn’t work it, he literally just sits there. Brock holds his breath and tries to make it look good, but yeah, not happening. And then you go right into the finisher exchange. I’ve totally given up on the match at that point, and evidently that’s Lesnar’s attitude towards selling Angle’s shitty looking holds. Like, man, I get that your neck is held together by string and bunched up coupons, but my God, this is your own finisher, show some pride. Somehow Brock’s finisher is only painful enough for Kurt to ‘play possum’ and immediately go into the ankle lock again…? Cool. But at least the crowd stays into it! Gotta give ‘em that. Of course, then Brock lands on his head with the attempted shooting star and yeeeeah the crowd is watching him borderline convulse and blood is trickling out of his nose. No one is really up for celebrating anymore. I mean for two guys who end the match ready for the morgue, this wasn’t as good as your old dudes bleeding bucket match. Or like half the rest of the show.

BROCK LESNAR WINS

This show was somewhat of a letdown. The card seems pretty even and stacked even. I’ve actually been hyping this year’s Mania as similar to XIX in terms of the card. You’ve got the cool Rey match (vs Hardy here, vs Punk in 2010), the Big Show tag match (ended up being a handicap in XIX, is for the tag belts in 2010), a shitty three way that no one gives a fuck about (women’s title and Legacy, respectively), the match with the most people on the card that is somehow fairly nondescript but decent enough (tag titles, MITB), last generation guy against new gen guy who idolized the older guy (Shawn/Jericho, HHH/Sheamus), a heavyweight title match that isn’t any good, a Vince street fight, the presumptive best match with two guys who are above the title by now, and your WWE title main event. I’ve been thinking this was a good thing but fuck me I hope this doesn’t fall as flat as XIX did. It wasn’t a BAD show, but it wasn’t as good as the last two and your sustained quality was coming from places like the six minute Rey match as opposed to, you know, your 20 minute main events. Also I kind of don’t really want Batista or Cena to try a shooting star. Bad times.

Best matches of WrestleMania XIX…

1. Austin/Rock
2. Hogan/Vince
3. Mysterio/Hardy
4. Los Guerreros/Team Angle/Benoit & Rhyno
5. Angle/Lesnar
6. Undertaker/Train & Big Show
7. HHH/Booker
8. Michaels/Jericho
9. Victoria/Trish/Jazz

TOP 15

1. Austin/Rock, X-Seven
2. Austin/Rock, XIX
2. Hogan/Rock, X8
4. McMahon/McMahon, X-Seven
5. TLC, X-Seven
6. Hogan/Vince, XIX
7. Flair/Undertaker, X8
8. Mysterio/Hardy, XIX
9. Angle/Benoit, X-Seven
10. Austin/Hall, X8
11. Christian/DDP, X8
12. Los Guerreros/Team Angle/Benoit & Rhyno, XIX
13. Edge/Booker, X8
14. Kane/Angle, X8
15. Jericho/Regal, X-Seven

WRESTLEMANIA RANKING

1. X-Seven
2. X8
3. XIX

Not a good trending pattern with that last list. And we have to go to fucking XX next. Five hours. Oh joy.