I had so much fun last time that I decided to do another!
Ahahahaha just kidding the show I actually wanted to watch is at my friend Bea’s house. Watching this show is basically going to be tantamount to self torture and I’ve eaten something like three bags of Doritos to get amped up for this show. It didn’t work and now I’m probably going to die young. Sweet.
Team Japan vs Team Mexico vs Team International vs Team TNA
TNA is apparently now a country, as is ‘International’, both of which are news to me. For whatever reason it takes fucking ten minutes into the show before a bell rings and when it does it’s for a God damn five hundred man match. There are a ton of dudes here that I basically only know from EWR and that pretty much sums up TNA’s entire existence right there. A bunch of really fast shit happens that looks extremely choreographed. Milano Collection AT is really the only one hitting anyone with anything resembling force whatsoever, so of course he gets pinned third following a double team move from Sabin and Shelley that misses COMPLETELY. This sucks because I hadn’t even figured out what team he was on, and thus hadn’t figured out who I want to win. I mean I’m not cheering for the “home team” because they called it Team TNA. It’s a principle thing. More really fast stuff happens, still doesn’t look any less like a total exhibition. Basically textbook TNA X-style wrestling that starts out with some rules that aren’t explained, ignores those rules anyway, features a ton of flips, and is completely devoid of any context. I mean fuck this match is literally a round robin match for a match later in the show. I think I’ve confused myself at this point. I remember seeing this really crazy praised, couldn’t tell you why. Very fast, not very good. At least they delivered ‘total non-stop action’.
Ten more minutes before the next match. What the fuck? Remember that time I said ‘at least they delivered ‘total non-stop action’’? I take it back.
Angelina Love vs Gail Kim
Gail Kim throws harder forearms than Doug Williams. That is both a compliment to Ms. Kim and a ‘wtf dude’ to Mr. Williams. I mean I know those Japanese boys are pretty and all but come on. Gail locks on a half-assed figure four around the ring post which is apparently shades of Bret Hart. Um, ok. Angelina is wearing these glorious tight black pants. How tight you ask? You can see her snatch when she bends over. Like the whole thing, possibly inside of it as well. She also runs pretty hilariously, like she’s been hypnotized into thinking she’s wearing heels and doesn’t want to fall and break something. Kind of feels like the entire middle of the match is missing because it basically goes right from the opening exchanges to the ‘omg why didn’t she stay down’ nearfalls, but whatever, this was pretty fun.
Shockingly good hype video for Lethal vs Dutt. Sonjay in particular comes off as really fucking awesome, which is a sense I’ve never gotten from him before. Then again I largely see him in TNA’s X Division and, as seen in the first match, that’s not the best place to build and use a character.
Sonjay Dutt vs Jay Lethal
Man I really loved this angle a lot. Totally should have paid more attention to TNA last summer just for this. Then again, probably not. But I liked this match a lot. The finish really sucked, particularly for a grudge match, but I thought this was a million times better than that opening clusterfuck. Best thing I’ve ever seen Sonjay in, Val was believable as the concerned onlooker, would have liked to see more hate fire from Jay but he was still good.
Beer Money Inc vs LAX (c)
I saw a bunch of guys come out with straps. They stood around the ring. I started paying attention to other stuff. I love Homicide and all but these ‘fan revenge’ matches are dumb.
Awesome Kong vs Taylor Wilde (c)
Taylor Wilde has the second worst wrestling music I’ve ever heard, the worst being that of the Motor City Machine Guns. I think last TNA review I did mentioned something about how the TNA girls like to brag about how they’re serious athletes and not whores like the WWE girls. Why is it, then, that so many more TNA girls have tongue rings, the international sign for ‘will suck your dick’? Hell the only tongue ring I can even think of in WWE is CM Punk. Anyway there’s like a match going on here or something, and Kong just absolutely ruins Wilde. Taylor is all oh haha I’m going to throw some crappy ass forearms at your stomach my name is Doug Williams and meanwhile, Awesome Kong is a) awesome (Awesome?) b) used to working Gail Kim. So Kong quickly nixes that idea and starts tossing Taylor around before Taylor wins with a roll up. Pretty good little match, probably the best thing on the show to this point, which tends to be how things with Kong work.
Post-match Kong beats the shit out of Taylor which I am totally down for. Then Abyss comes out and I decide my cat wants some attention. He doesn’t at first but he comes around and I get to completely avoid Abyss rescuing Taylor.
Awfully dramatic build video for a match that basically consists of four skinny dudes running and flipping really fast while some fat guys who got into a wrestling show for free watch indifferently. T-N-A!
Naruki Doi vs Volador Jr vs Daivari vs Kaz
It is AMAZING how much Daivari and Kaz look like legitimate US heavyweight wrestlers next to skinny as Naruki Doi. Daivari looks hilariously like Aladdin with a beard with those damn pants. This was a lot slower and better paced than the opener and thus I thought it was a lot better. Still not better than Kong-Wilde, probably a bit better than Lethal-Dutt just because of that dumb fucking finish, and I really don’t care that much because I’m not doing a match ranking! Fine match.
Team 3-D and Kurt Angle vs Rhino, Christian Cage, and AJ Styles
Interesting. When I watched TNA regularly Styles was the comedy guy in Christian’s stable, and later the comedy guy in Angle’s stable, and yet here he’s the big name on the babyface team. That’s pretty cool for AJ, hopefully they put the big title on him sooner than later and give him a long run with it. Or he leaves and goes to WWE so I can see him in matches I give a shit about. Either or. Match stipulation ends up being Full Metal Mayhem, which apparently is code for ‘exactly what you’d expect if you put six guys in a TNA ring with no rules EXCEPT NO RULES 1999 oh fuck yeah’. To make matters worse Rhino and the Dudleys/z are basically useless, and Kurt Angle is pretty much a cripple who was never much good (but at least you can cover for him when you have actually good dudes in with him, not much covering for fucking Bubba Ray). I guess a nice way of talking about this match would be to say “it was a bit better than the five man ladder match from the previous show” but really for multi-man gimmick matches I’m not particularly convinced this was any better than the four-way. Probably a bad idea to run two multi-man spotfests back to back like that. Especially if the one with wrestlers that people care about is inferior.
Booker T vs Samoa Joe (c)
I spent way too much time thinking about the word Joe while the pre-match crap was going on and now I think it’s the most hilarious word I’ve ever seen. So much so that I’m actively being distracted, watching Joe do stuff and giggling hysterically by how funny his name is. Now, apparently when I laughed really hard my eyes shut like Cartman. I managed to work myself up to the point where I MISSED Joe’s blade job. I finally notice it and holy shit he gigged the fuck out of his head for a match that no one really seems to care about. However, the match is actually pretty good, they work well together, Booker is fine, Joe is good, I’d actually say this is the best thing on the show and a worthy main event. The ref bump, however, totally sucks, and I wish the camera didn’t constantly cut to Sharmell in the first row. In general I just wish TNA camera work wasn’t so awful. I mean Joe doesn’t actually crush his opponent’s face into the guard rail with the Ole Ole kick, that’s obvious. ROH masks this by showing it from behind and at an angle, because that’s just logic. TNA, a bigger company than ROH with a national television deal and supposedly people who know how to shoot live wrestling, manage to fuck it up so you can see Joe miss. Just embarrassing. Booker gets cut open too. Joe kills everyone that gets in his way, which is so fucking awesome because Joe in full out kill mode is really awesome, and it totally holds the match together even after the shitty ref bump and the shitty clusterfuck that this tries to become. Sting comes out to get Joe to stop. It’s funny because Booker at this point is laid out and you have to figure he’s going ‘thank God I can’t get blamed for this shit’. So Joe starts walking off with Sting, then makes a ‘lol ya rite’ face and turns around and goes back to wreck Booker some more. Sting is all ‘hey man wtf’ and Joe flips him off and says ‘fuck you’. Like you can read his lips and everything, Joe rules. Sting then lays out Joe and Sharmell counts the pin for Booker. In summary, body of the match was good, everything after the ref bump except for Joe sucked a huge cock, Joe was awesome throughout, finish was completely FUBAR. I love me some Joe, but this doesn’t give one a good feeling going forward into their next show. Which I own, and will force myself to watch at some point. This is still better than the last show though.