‘09 MOTY list update

1. Undertaker v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 4/5
2. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE 2/24
3. John Cena v Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho v Edge v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 2/15
4. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
5. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
6. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
7. Evan Bourne & Primo & Carlito v Tyson Kidd & John Morrison & The Miz, WWE, 4/7
8. Edge v Triple H v Undertaker v Jeff Hardy v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/15
9. John Cena v Big Show, WWE 3/30
10. The Miz v Primo, WWE, 3/10
11. John Cena v Jack Swagger, WWE, 4/13
12. The Miz v Kofi Kingston, WWE, 4/13
13. John Cena v Chris Jericho, WWE, 2/2
14. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/3
15. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
16. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
17. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
18. John Cena & Jeff Hardy & CM Punk & Rey Mysterio & Ricky Steamboat v Edge & Big Show & Chris Jericho & Matt Hardy & Kane, WWE, 4/6
19. Edge v John Cena v Big Show, WWE, 4/5
20. Jack Swagger & Mark Henry vs Christian & Finlay, WWE 2/17
21. Randy Orton v Shane McMahon, WWE, 2/15
22. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
23. The Miz & John Morrison v Primo & Carlito, WWE, 3/13
24. JBL v Rey Mysterio, WWE, 3/30
25. Jeff Hardy v Matt Hardy, WWE, 4/10

OFF. CM Punk v Kane vs Christian v Kofi Kingston v Shelton Benjamin v Finlay v Mark Henry v MVP, WWE, 4/5
OFF. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE, 2/10
OFF. Finlay v The Brian Kendrick, WWE, 3/13
OFF. The Miz & John Morrison & The Brian Kendrick v Primo & Carlito & R-Truth, WWE, 2/6
OFF. Jack Swagger & The Miz & John Morrison v Christian & Finlay & Tommy Dreamer, WWE, 3/3

7. Evan Bourne & Primo & Carlito v Tyson Kidd & John Morrison & The Miz, WWE, 4/7

After finishing RAW the night before and throwing the ten man on the list (more later), I was pretty convinced that it would be tough to top that, at least for a while, for best tag match in WWE this year. And then I watch this and holy shit, total blow away match. Kind of ironically it knocked off one of the six-man tags that Miz and Morrison were in earlier this year, and this really is the best possible version of those six mans from earlier. Morrison is crushing Carlito with his strikes, Kidd and Miz tear up Bourne who is probably no worse than third best selling babyface on the roster, Primo is his usual awesome self coming in off the hot tag. The only thing I didn’t like about this match was that it made me remember that this was the last week of Morrison/Miz, and that we never got a Miz/Bourne match. No, RAW matches since they were drafted don’t count because fuck RAW. I don’t want to go jumping ahead and saying ‘no for real this is the best WWE tag of the year’ because well look how far that went when I tried to do it last time, but outside of maybe the Backlash six man I can’t think of a whole lot off the top of my head that will top this. One of the best matches of the year, tag or no tag.

11. John Cena v Jack Swagger, WWE, 4/13

Placing this match was tough, I ended up putting it above the Swagger/Finlay matches which was took me a long time to settle on. In the end I decided this wasn’t as stiff, but was just as good, and it felt way more like a big time match. Besides it’s pretty fitting to have this above the Finlay matches, as it really marks Swagger’s arrival as a top tier wrestler in WWE (hindsight makes this break my heart, btw), and it’s real neat to watch Swagger going from the game young kid who took and gave awesome beatings with Finlay to the dude manhandling the biggest star in wrestling. Cena’s STF also looked pretty great here too, and he’s totally believable from the first lock up as a guy who is slowly realizing Swagger is the real shit. And he is. Or was. It is September and I miss awesome Swagger matches :(

12. The Miz v Kofi Kingston, WWE, 4/13

This was a pretty eye opening match and I thought long and hard about putting it above Cena/Swagger. It wasn’t as good as the Primo match Miz had, I mean Kofi isn’t as good as Primo, RAW is a shittier environment for quality than ECW, and the finish to this match sucked, but it was totally in the same league and totally shocked me. I didn’t think it would even hit four minutes and next thing I know they’re going twelve and it’s awesome. Probably Kofi’s best match ever, and Miz is at his usual level of heelishness here. Which is to say ‘fucking awesome’.

18. John Cena & Jeff Hardy & CM Punk & Rey Mysterio & Ricky Steamboat v Edge & Big Show & Chris Jericho & Matt Hardy & Kane, WWE, 4/6

So I actually stuck around in Texas for RAW the next night and this was the highlight of that show, a really awesome, long ten man tag. I’m glad it got so much time because unlike the girls’ ten man from earlier in the show where like three people actually got in, everyone here got in and had time to not only show off what they had but further along their storylines. Jericho comes in and goes right after Steamboat, Matt runs away from Jeff whenever possible, Kane keeps trying to murder Punk, Edge and Show hate each other. Plus there’s a really long face in peril section featuring fucking RICKY STEAMBOAT. I thought this was also probably Punk’s best performance of the year to date, he got a really long FIP section too that I thought ruled. Good stuff all around.

25. Jeff Hardy v Matt Hardy, WWE, 4/10

I was actually pretty surprised with how much I liked this. I dug their ‘Mania match but surely at least part of that was being there for it, and really it didn’t feel like they were trying to hurt each other as much as they were trying to do a bunch of flashy shit with weapons. In terms of hate translating across the screen I thought this match blew the street fight away. I do really like the stretcher gimmick because it usually translates to nail biting false finishes, and I thought they were just laying in on each other way more here. Matt trying to run over Jeff’s head with the stretcher ruled, Jeff using the stretcher as a skateboard to hurl himself at Matt was cool, both Hardys falling onto the stretcher while it had a chair on it was pretty sweet too. I liked it!

2009 MOTY List for 4/5

1. Undertaker v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 4/5
2. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE 2/24
3. John Cena v Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho v Edge v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 2/15
4. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
5. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
6. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
7. Edge v Triple H v Undertaker v Jeff Hardy v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/15
8. John Cena v Big Show, WWE 3/30
9. The Miz v Primo, WWE, 3/10
10. John Cena v Chris Jericho, WWE, 2/2
11. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/3
12. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
13. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
14. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
15. Edge vs John Cena vs Big Show, WWE, 4/5
16. Jack Swagger & Mark Henry vs Christian & Finlay, WWE 2/17
17. Randy Orton v Shane McMahon, WWE, 2/15
18. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
19. The Miz & John Morrison v Primo & Carlito, WWE, 3/13
20. JBL v Rey Mysterio, WWE, 3/30
21. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE, 2/10
22. CM Punk vs Kane vs Christian vs Kofi Kingston vs Shelton Benjamin vs Finlay vs Mark Henry vs MVP, WWE, 4/5
23. Finlay v The Brian Kendrick, WWE, 3/13
24. The Miz & John Morrison & The Brian Kendrick v Primo & Carlito & R-Truth, WWE, 2/6
25. Jack Swagger & The Miz & John Morrison v Christian & Finlay & Tommy Dreamer, WWE, 3/3

OFF. Chris Jericho v Jerry Lawler, WWE, 3/30
OFF. Christian & Finlay v Mark Henry & Kane, WWE, 3/31
OFF. Shawn Michaels v JBL, WWE, 2/15

1. Undertaker v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 4/5

Ok fuck me this was maybe the most fun I’ve ever had doing anything ever. I wasn’t really looking forward to it! See, Undertaker basically only wrestles Undertaker matches now and all he’d been doing for the first chunk of the year was wrestling Undertaker matches with shitpacks like Shelton Benjamin and post-HHH-rape Vladimir Kozlov, so I was pretty damn sick of shitty Undertaker matches. Plus, the night after the HBK/JBL match from the previous show, Shawn came out and promptly wiped his ass with a year’s worth of awesome character work so that he could refer to himself by thirty nicknames and dance around like Triple H’s little DX butt buddy. So I totally wasn’t anticipating this at all, pretty much ignored most of the build up for it because who gives a fuck, and walked in here expecting for a total vanity match. Remember Bad Blood 2004, with the 50 minutes Hunter-Shawn Hell in a Cell? Definitely thought that was coming.

Incidentally, years and years and years of second hand smoking is slowly giving me an allergy to that shit, and the day before we flew out I woke up and had to go talk to my mom who was smoking in my face, and then I went to bed right after, which always leaves me sick when I wake up. The reason I bring this is up is because I had NO voice for this entire show, certainly not by the time this match came around. This meant I had to bandwagon Shawn for the dueling chants because “HBK!” is easier to try to scream than “UNDERTAKER!”. Another near note about this match is that Shawn rose up on this little chalice thing midway through the video package, and while I hadn’t noticed the earlier two set ups in the show, EVERYONE saw this, and for the most part stopped watching the video so we could watch someone rise into the air. He held the same pose the entire time. Strange.

So the match actually starts and everyone is super excited. The place was so much louder than it appears on tape. The first half of the match is honestly marked by some really shitty execution (Shawn busts out a crossface and I do my best to scream NO SHAWN YOU’LL KILL HIM until I see that it’s the rarely seen Cuddler Crossface, at which point I shrug and say welp, nevermind then) and two big-name wrestlers with often seen signature spots going for those spots to varying degrees of success, which is held together by the crowd’s familiarity in these spots and the heat the crowd generates for the dream match. Then Michaels does a shitty moonsault and kills himself and ‘Taker certainly isn’t going to be outdone on stupid self-maiming dives by Shawn or fucking Shelton Benjamin so he dives directly onto his head and we get a great count out spot because everyone thinks ‘Taker is dead. After that the whole deal goes right into a really long drawn out finisher fest, but it’s a really awesome one. Every kickout was treated like fuckin’ child birth. When Shawn kicked out of the tombstone everybody was jumping up and down and screaming. These two old fucks went out there and put together all the same stuff we’ve seen them do a billion million times, put some creative new twists (moonsault into a tombstone, etc) on them, and rode their facial expressions to create absolute pandemonium. And to think I couldn’t have been less interested in this match going in. One of my favorite matches and odds on favorite to be match of the year, even if just for how insanely fun this was to be there for live. Good game, men. Good fucking game.

15. Edge vs John Cena vs Big Show, WWE, 4/5

So I totally, totally marked the fuck out for Basic Thuganomics. As far as triple threats go I didn’t think this was bad at all. Being there live helped keep everything moving, and while they definitely used the typical three-way tropes of having one dude get knocked out, they were fairly creative. Really this match is held together by some quality wrestling personalities in Cena, Big Show, and Vickie Guerrero. Edge isn’t particularly offensive though I couldn’t help but pay attention to other stuff whenever he tried to go on ‘offense’. The best part of the entire match, short of the crazy visual at the finish with everyone on Cena’s shoulders, is when Show is tied up in the ropes. The reason for this is twofold: it lets Show do that awesome thing he does in multi-man matches where his personality takes over the match and brings it up a few levels, and it brings Vickie into the match so Edge can spear her. And of course the spear looks like shit. But it feels wrong to knock Edge too much for this because he, and the match, could have been so, so much worse. And instead it was pretty decent!

22. CM Punk vs Kane vs Christian vs Kofi Kingston vs Shelton Benjamin vs Finlay vs Mark Henry vs MVP, WWE, 4/5

This is another match that came off a lot better live. I mean it’s a totally fun clusterfuck either way. Some of Kofi’s stuff actually comes off better on tape. But one of the problems with these matches now is that they slow things down and focus on setting up one thing at a time, and with the way cameras work, well, it can be slow-ish on tape. Live this was constantly moving and that made it four times as fun. There are times, like when everyone lines up to do their dives, that it almost feels like a comedy match with how cute it gets, but the difference between cute comedy ladder match and cute comedy ladder match at WrestleMania is pretty astronomical. One doesn’t work, the other does. Benjamin’s dive was fucking insane, I absolutely thought he was dead. The dynamic in this match was pretty cool, with the two giants (and Finlay, naturally) wrecking stuff and tossing the little dudes around and the little dudes running around setting ladders up for different stuff. Some of the stuff looked good, some of it looked retarded, but there were tons of moments here that brought everyone to their feet and man, what more can you ask for? This is never going to be a ‘best match of the year’ type but for what it is it’s pretty fun and pretty good. Plus Punk won, and that was a big shock and a huge mark out for me. Especially given that I literally bought the tickets on the strength of Punk having won the first time.

Holy shit! I went to WrestleMania!

Back in January I was up really late watching YouTube clips of CM Punk winning his first World Heavyweight Championship from the previous June and, having just been to my first wrestling show a few weeks earlier, couldn’t stop thinking about how awesome it would be to actually see something like that live. One thing led to another and in my mind the natural thing to do was kickstart my old scheme to go to WrestleMania XXV. I had planned to go the previous summer, but things fell through with the people I wanted to go with. However, come January, I had a new partner in crime! So we bought WrestleMania tickets the next day and flew to motherfucking Texas in April. It was an awesome fucking trip and I can’t ever thank Anne enough for going with me.

However this is a wrestling blog not a gay bitch blog so I guess I should get around to doing a show review or some shit and keep that sentimental garbage to myself.

WRESTLE-FUCKING-MANIA~!

We get to Reliant and go inside and holy shit we’re actually going to WrestleMania. There are MOBS around the merch tables so we just decide to go find our seats (we never did buy any merch, which strikes me as a weird choice now). Peaking through the curtain to see out into the arena was fucking breathtaking. Our seats were pretty awesome, millions of times better than the last minute tickets we bought to Toronto in December (beside the pyro, which is great when your partner in crime has a visceral fear of sudden explosions), and we just soaked it in for a few minutes. Then we ran back up to buy some drinks for the show. There were some customed dudes walking around and I took some pictures of Anne with “Shawn Michaels”, “John Morrison”, and, no shit, “The Joker”. Eight bucks for two bottles of Sprite later (God bless America) and we’re sitting down again, I think they showed a video of WrestleMania XXIV or something, and at this point we’re positively giddy. Then it’s time for a dark match… holy shit I’m at fucking WrestleMania!

John Morrison & The Miz vs Primo & Carlito, Unified Tag Team Championship Match

I didn’t bother bringing a computer with me because fuck computers (ironically months later I now barely use one except for writing this) so I had no idea that this match had been moved to the pre-show (actually, did anyone?) so we were all pretty shocked when this happened right away. Hindsight is a funny thing; at the time I didn’t really give a shit because I wasn’t into the Colons at all and remember really liking the match from the stands. Rewatching this (thanks to the wonders of Future Shop and impulse DVD buys) I was really excited to see it because I’ve gotten really into the Colons and the matches these four were having to build to it. And it is totally not nearly as good as it seemed live. It’s just incredibly slow and plodding and doesn’t seem to pick up until Primo gets in on offense. The finish is Goddamn fucking great and everyone did get into the match but looking back now this is pretty disappointing.

After the match there was like ten minutes left and I’m sure we saw another video or something. Then the actual WrestleMania video hit. Everyone literally marked out for the legal warning for pirating the show. One of the really cool things about having been there is that I have the crowd reactions burned into my head for the videos. Like when Christian or Shawn Michaels (Anne laughed when he picked his own WrestleMania moment) turn up in the opening video, I still – to this fucking day – hear the crowd lose their shit. It’s awesome. And the video is really good too, miles better than last year’s disappointing video. Yes, this is important. Pussycat Doll sings America The Beautiful. I hold Anne’s ears for the opening pyro. Somehow I did not notice ladders being set up.

CM Punk vs Kane vs Christian vs Kofi Kingston vs Mark Henry vs MVP vs Finlay vs Shelton Benjamin, Money in the Bank Ladder Match

This is another match that came off a lot better live. I mean it’s a totally fun clusterfuck either way. Some of Kofi’s stuff actually comes off better on tape. But one of the problems with these matches now is that they slow things down and focus on setting up one thing at a time, and with the way cameras work, well, it can be slow-ish on tape. Live this was constantly moving and that made it four times as fun. There are times, like when everyone lines up to do their dives, that it almost feels like a comedy match with how cute it gets, but the difference between cute comedy ladder match and cute comedy ladder match at WrestleMania is pretty astronomical. One doesn’t work, the other does. Benjamin’s dive was fucking insane, I absolutely thought he was dead. The dynamic in this match was pretty cool, with the two giants (and Finlay, naturally) wrecking stuff and tossing the little dudes around and the little dudes running around setting ladders up for different stuff. Some of the stuff looked good, some of it looked retarded, but there were tons of moments here that brought everyone to their feet and man, what more can you ask for? This is never going to be a ‘best match of the year’ type but for what it is it’s pretty fun and pretty good. Plus Punk won, and that was a big shock and a huge mark out for me. Especially given that I literally bought the tickets on the strength of Punk having won the first time.

Apparently they spent this match setting up for Kid Rock on the stage, I once again missed it. Lots of people shit on the mini-concert but everyone there LOVED it. Literally everyone was standing. Anne stayed for Bawitdaba, then ran to the bathroom, then ran down the wrong aisle on the way back because she realized the concert was still going and she wanted to see the rest of it. So she ran back up, ran down the right aisle, and promptly ran too far (this part I actually did see). She still managed to catch the last song and a half and then the Divas came out for their battle royal. First weird announcing thing of the night when the match started even as they were still going over the rules.

25-Diva Battle Royal

This sucked. Everyone sat around and did nothing, chatted amongst ourselves, asking who was who, until we realized Santino was there, at which point we all started laughing and cheering for Santino. But I mean, this was a shitty battle royal, who really gives a fuck?

The Chris Jericho match video was up next and it was fucking epic. I mean ROH is shown on WrestleMania? Hot damn. Plus Jericho just felt like the most evil fucker in the world through the video, and it was such a great build tape. So of course they change it for the DVD release. Lame. Though, honestly, not as lame as the “Ric Flair Murder” song being used for the Goddamn DX-Legacy SummerSlam build tape. Fuck off.

Chris Jericho vs Ricky Steamboat & Roddy Piper & Jimmy Snuka

Piper looks pretty bad, Snuka looks horrendous, but Steamboat hops in there and made us into fucking BELIEVERS. Jericho just kinda does the stuff you’d expect Jericho to do but Steamboat is fucking amazing. Once the two super old guys are gone and it’s down to Steamboat, the match gets pretty damn good. The two nearfalls out of roll ups got massive pops and the second one seriously felt like it was going to be the end of the match. Really made you want to see more Jericho-Steamboat, or just more Steamboat period. The post-match is kinda lame, only because we were all expecting a really big roundhouse and the actual KO punch came out of nowhere. Everyone was excited for it until that. Sometimes out of nowhere is good. It wasn’t here.

Another awesome video package, this one came suitably outfitted with nu-metal. I liked that all the big Jeff Hardy video packages had some nu-metal in it this year, I mean if anyone is WWF Attitude The Soundtrack it is Jeff Hardy.

Jeff Hardy vs Matt Hardy, Extreme Rules Match

Matt comes out with wrestling gear for the first time and shitty trash talking for the millionth time. Jeff looks like Grimace bukkaked him. I kinda figured these two could have a really good match, because Matt has an awesome punch and Jeff is a hell of an FIP, but instead these two go out and have a spot-spot-spot hateless street fight. Don’t get me wrong, we were excited for this, almost everything looks good individually, and it’s another fun match, but there’s just no emotion at all in it. Felt like a standard street fight as opposed to a supposed heated brotherly blood feud street fight. But then again, the splash through the two tables looks awesome and the twist of fate with the chair was nuts. So, I dunno. Definitely was a match I liked live. Not a match that will make any sort of year-end list.

JBL vs Rey Mysterio, Intercontinental Championship Match

So I wrote elsewhere that it was really cool for me to have gotten to see two of the three JBL/Rey matches live. This was the second of those live matches. I knew going in he was going to retire after so I took a bunch of pictures of his pre-match promo because fuck me I missed JBL by the end of this night. Rey comes out dressed as the Joker, and we made jokes about how that dude who dressed as Joker for whatever reason was probably losing his shit. I think I may have actually missed the pin while making one of these jokes. Obviously at 20 seconds there’s not much to talk about unless you really want me to gush about how fucking awesome JBL was for those 20 seconds, but this was still fucking awesome for me to see. Even though it was 20 seconds, and the day of the show it was the match I looked forward to the most. Oh well.

Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels

Ok fuck me this was maybe the most fun I’ve ever had doing anything ever. I wasn’t really looking forward to it! See, Undertaker basically only wrestles Undertaker matches now and all he’d been doing for the first chunk of the year was wrestling Undertaker matches with shitpacks like Shelton Benjamin and post-HHH-rape Vladimir Kozlov, so I was pretty damn sick of shitty Undertaker matches. Plus, the night after the HBK/JBL match from the previous show, Shawn came out and promptly wiped his ass with a year’s worth of awesome character work so that he could refer to himself by thirty nicknames and dance around like Triple H’s little DX butt buddy. So I totally wasn’t anticipating this at all, pretty much ignored most of the build up for it because who gives a fuck, and walked in here expecting for a total vanity match. Remember Bad Blood 2004, with the 50 minutes Hunter-Shawn Hell in a Cell? Definitely thought that was coming.

Incidentally, years and years and years of second hand smoking is slowly giving me an allergy to that shit, and the day before we flew out I woke up and had to go talk to my mom who was smoking in my face, and then I went to bed right after, which always leaves me sick when I wake up. The reason I bring this is up is because I had NO voice for this entire show, certainly not by the time this match came around. This meant I had to bandwagon Shawn for the dueling chants because “HBK!” is easier to try to scream than “UNDERTAKER!”. Another near note about this match is that Shawn rose up on this little chalice thing midway through the video package, and while I hadn’t noticed the earlier two set ups in the show, EVERYONE saw this, and for the most part stopped watching the video so we could watch someone rise into the air. He held the same pose the entire time. Strange.

So the match actually starts and everyone is super excited. The place was so much louder than it appears on tape. The first half of the match is honestly marked by some really shitty execution (Shawn busts out a crossface and I do my best to scream NO SHAWN YOU’LL KILL HIM until I see that it’s the rarely seen Cuddler Crossface, at which point I shrug and say welp, nevermind then) and two big-name wrestlers with often seen signature spots going for those spots to varying degrees of success, which is held together by the crowd’s familiarity in these spots and the heat the crowd generates for the dream match. Then Michaels does a shitty moonsault and kills himself and ‘Taker certainly isn’t going to be outdone on stupid self-maiming dives by Shawn or fucking Shelton Benjamin so he dives directly onto his head and we get a great count out spot because everyone thinks ‘Taker is dead. After that the whole deal goes right into a really long drawn out finisher fest, but it’s a really awesome one. Every kickout was treated like fuckin’ child birth. When Shawn kicked out of the tombstone everybody was jumping up and down and screaming. These two old fucks went out there and put together all the same stuff we’ve seen them do a billion million times, put some creative new twists (moonsault into a tombstone, etc) on them, and rode their facial expressions to create absolute pandemonium. And to think I couldn’t have been less interested in this match going in. One of my favorite matches and odds on favorite to be match of the year, even if just for how insanely fun this was to be there for live. Good game, men. Good fucking game.

Went right into the tape for the world title match. Good tape, made me excited for the triple threat and I am a guy against triple threats on principle, though having watched all of the angles since then, they really did leave a lot out.

Edge vs John Cena vs Big Show, World Heavyweight Championship Match

So I totally, totally marked the fuck out for Basic Thuganomics. As far as triple threats go I didn’t think this was bad at all. Being there live helped keep everything moving, and while they definitely used the typical three-way tropes of having one dude get knocked out, they were fairly creative. Really this match is held together by some quality wrestling personalities in Cena, Big Show, and Vickie Guerrero. Edge isn’t particularly offensive though I couldn’t help but pay attention to other stuff whenever he tried to go on ‘offense’. The best part of the entire match, short of the crazy visual at the finish with everyone on Cena’s shoulders, is when Show is tied up in the ropes. The reason for this is twofold: it lets Show do that awesome thing he does in multi-man matches where his personality takes over the match and brings it up a few levels, and it brings Vickie into the match so Edge can spear her. And of course the spear looks like shit. But it feels wrong to knock Edge too much for this because he, and the match, could have been so, so much worse. And instead it was pretty decent!

Usual classy tape of the Hall of Fame ceremony. Then Stone Cold comes out and drinks a damn beer and it’s pretty cool. Really for a guy who went to his first wrestling show in December 2008, having gotten to see Austin at a wrestling show is pretty cool. I’m content.

Video package for the main event. It was better than the main event.

Triple H vs Randy Orton, WWE Championship Match

Another weird announcing glitch where Lillian is still announcing the match stips while Orton is already heading on down to the ring. Triple H comes out and stands in his lights for a few minutes, which confused me, so I look up at the big televised screen and see some bullshit about Triple H smashing glass up. THIS NEVER HAPPENED. They pre-taped his fucking entrance. Should have known right then and there this match was going to be phoned in bullshit. I mean thank GOD this didn’t start with a fucking lock up, I would have lost it. Orton comes out and me and Anne stood up and did the Orton pose, a bunch of people in our section (from London ironically enough) did the same, and then we all sat until the end of the match. When Triple H hit the pedigree and we all stood to watch Orton kick out. He didn’t. By far the best part of the match was how badly no one gave a SHIT. They try to work a count out spot, similar to a count out spot in the earlier Michaels/Taker match, where the fan theoretically wants Taker to win and thus is pulling for him to beat the count. Here they figure the fan wants Triple H to retain his title. Except that the fan is silent. The biggest crowd reaction was right after that spot when they put the crowd cam on a section across the building from us and that section started cheering. We all looked over there. Everyone. Even in the front row. No one was paying attention to the match. It’d been a long night during which we’d seen just about everything except for a boring Triple H main event. And that was good enough. So of course we’re treated to a boring Triple H main event. This was Orton’s Goddamn match and everyone was expecting him to win and we just wanted to get it over with and go home. And then it didn’t happen. Go fucking figure. The functional equivalent of a full gourmet Italian meal with a dessert of frosted shit.

On our way out we talk with the London dudes some more (really great guys), take another picture of the Joker dude, and everyone in the building was so let down by that match that we figured the show was a let down. It wasn’t, it was a damn great show, and we eventually got over the sucktastic main event. We got back to the hotel and just crashed, exhausted. I am totally going next year.

2009 MOTY List is caught up to WrestleMania, holy crap

1. Jack Swagger v Christian, 2/24
2. John Cena v Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho v Edge v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 2/15
3. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
4. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
5. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
6. Edge v Triple H v Undertaker v Jeff Hardy v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/15
7. John Cena v Big Show, 3/30
8. The Miz v Primo, WWE, 3/10
9. John Cena v Chris Jericho, WWE, 2/2
10. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/3
11. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
12. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
13. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
14. Jack Swagger & Mark Henry vs Christian & Finlay, 2/17
15. Randy Orton v Shane McMahon, WWE, 2/15
16. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
17. The Miz & John Morrison v Primo & Carlito, WWE, 3/13
18. JBL v Rey Mysterio, WWE, 3/30
19. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE, 2/10
20. Finlay v The Brian Kendrick, WWE, 3/13
21. The Miz & John Morrison & The Brian Kendrick v Primo & Carlito & R-Truth, WWE, 2/6
22. Jack Swagger & The Miz & John Morrison v Christian & Finlay & Tommy Dreamer, WWE, 3/3
23. Chris Jericho v Jerry Lawler, WWE, 3/30
24. Christian & Finlay v Mark Henry & Kane, WWE, 3/31
25. Shawn Michaels v JBL, WWE, 2/15

OFF. John Cena & Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho & Randy Orton, WWE, 1/5
OFF. Rey Mysterio v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 3/2
OFF. Edge & Big Show v Triple H & Undertaker, WWE, 2/6
OFF. CM Punk v JBL, WWE, 3/9

7. John Cena v Big Show, 3/30

So for whatever reason I really wasn’t into their February match but this was great. Show is an intelligent monster, animalistic enough to just butcher Cena with his offense but crafty enough to go after Cena’s back to block his finisher, which is what finished Show in their first match. Cena is still pretty much the best seller in wrestling and he is awesome here. He doesn’t get much of a chance to do a whole lot offensively but that’s kind of what’s going to happen sometimes. The finish is hot and that’s a fucking beast of a chokeslam for Cena to eat. Post-match is kind of a weird go home for a WrestleMania world title match, with Cena dead in the ring, Show staring at Edge like he’s retarded, and Edge… well… kind of looking retarded. Or like a very pleased child. Oh well.

18. JBL v Rey Mysterio, WWE, 3/30

This has long been one of my favorite match-ups in wrestling. When JBL first came out of retirement in 2007 I really wanted a JBL/Rey match for ‘Mania 24. It didn’t happen, but then they put it on the card for ‘Mania 25, and I was going to that show, so this worked for me. At the time throwing this match out on RAW immediately before the PPV struck me as insane, after the PPV match went 20 seconds it makes more sense, especially when JBL retired right after the 20 second PPV match. Old bastard needed something good to go out on and this is that. Not their best match, not by a long shot, and maybe not even good enough to be this high at this point, but God dammit I miss JBL and I love JBL vs Rey so this had to go on here. As it is, even with only getting a 20 second match between them live in Texas, I also got to see them wrestle in Toronto last December. So after JBL came back these two never had a match like their ‘06 classic but they DID have three matches and I was live for two of them. I think I’ll take that.

23. Chris Jericho v Jerry Lawler, WWE, 3/30

Yeah so it’s only three and a half minutes but fuck me three and a half minutes of Jerry Lawler is still going to be better than twelve minutes from most guys. Lawler looks like a fucking champ here, it’s a shame that he doesn’t get in more matches and while I’m not complaining with the legends match we got at ‘Mania, Lawler would totally have been an acceptable opponent for Jericho. Speaking of Jericho, he’s awesome here. Since moving to the legends thing full time after No Way Out he hasn’t really had many matches, actually I think he only really had the Kofi match, which was good but didn’t make the list. This is better, Jericho sells for Lawler as if King was going to headline WrestleMania instead of call it, and he manages to come off as a killer at the same time. All in three minutes! It’s too bad we didn’t get twelve minutes on PPV with these two, could well have been a top five match.

24. Christian & Finlay v Mark Henry & Kane, WWE, 3/31

Not as good as some of the other matches where Finlay and Christian teamed, but it’s still Finlay and Christian as a team. They’ve got their team formula down pat by now, where Finlay works the face-in-peril stuff with his hard hitting hope spots and then Christian comes in off the hot tag to get all his big stuff over (I mean he’s only been back a month and a half at this point, so yeah). Henry also rules here, because Henry is damn awesome, his finish sequence with Christian was damn nice and I totally wasn’t expecting the second slam attempt. Kind of thought this would go another few minutes based on the skimpy lineup for the show but hey gotta show those music videos sometime. Kane is a step down from Swagger as a partner for Henry but he was fine here. Your usual good ECW tag.

2009 MOTY List feat. a very good week of WWE wrestling!

1. Jack Swagger v Christian, 2/24
2. John Cena v Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho v Edge v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 2/15
3. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
4. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
5. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
6. Edge v Triple H v Undertaker v Jeff Hardy v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/15
7. The Miz v Primo, WWE, 3/10
8. John Cena v Chris Jericho, WWE, 2/2
9. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/3
10. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
11. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
12. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
13. Jack Swagger & Mark Henry vs Christian & Finlay, 2/17
14. Randy Orton v Shane McMahon, WWE, 2/15
15. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
16. The Miz & John Morrison v Primo & Carlito, WWE, 3/13
17. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE, 2/10
18. Finlay v The Brian Kendrick, WWE, 3/13
19. The Miz & John Morrison & The Brian Kendrick v Primo & Carlito & R-Truth, WWE, 2/6
20. Jack Swagger & The Miz & John Morrison v Christian & Finlay & Tommy Dreamer, WWE, 3/3
21. Shawn Michaels v JBL, WWE, 2/15
22. John Cena & Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho & Randy Orton, WWE, 1/5
23. Rey Mysterio v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 3/2
24. Edge & Big Show v Triple H & Undertaker, WWE, 2/6
25. CM Punk v JBL, WWE, 3/9

OFF. Big Show v Festus, 1/30
OFF. Big Show v Triple H, WWE, 1/9
OFF. Randy Orton v Undertaker, WWE, 2/9

So this (03/9-03/13) was a damn fine week for WWE shows. RAW had the Punk/JBL title change match that made the list (and by the end of the week is barely hanging on), both RAW and Smackdown! had good Kofi Kingston matches that didn’t make the list (against Chris Jericho and Edge, respectively), ECW had a nice four minute kickfest with Tyson Kidd and DJ Gabriel (who I am digging the fuck out of but seems to have disappeared), not to mention maybe the best battle royal I’ve ever seen. On merit alone it is easily on this list, maybe even top fifteen or higher. Unfortunately I decided at the start that I wouldn’t include battle royals of any sort (to prevent myself from just sticking the Rumble at number one, I guess?) and I’m not in the mood to type out fifteen different names for one spot. However I may change my mind later and throw this on here. It was really fucking good. Smackdown! had an interesting ‘Taker/Kozlov match, wouldn’t really call it that good and it’s certainly not coming anywhere near this list but at one point ‘Taker takes like ten straight strikes to the face from Kozlov and he has to put up his hands by the end because Kozlov is not pulling those things at all. Then there were also these three matches which all made the cut!

7. The Miz v Primo, WWE, 3/10

This is another one of those ECW television matches that I’d seen pimped elsewhere so I was cautiously looking forward to it. Going in I hadn’t really been much of a Colons fan, I mean yeah I liked Carlito back in 2006 when I started watching wrestling but I also liked TNA back then so that’s not a good representative. I’ve been a really big Miz fan for a long time but I haven’t seen too many quality singles with him. This was pretty much what I was looking for, it just built and built towards the end. Having Morrison and Carlito on commentary actually helped, because at the beginning of the match where they are working slower and feeling each other out the commentary keeps you interested, and by the end when they’ve kicked it into high gear you don’t even notice them. So no matter what, the match holds your attention, which is exactly what you want. It builds and builds from a slow start until a hot finish. I don’t know that any of their tag matches were as good as this but damn does it ever make me want to see the tags.

16. The Miz & John Morrison v Primo & Carlito, WWE, 3/13

So not only is this a good week for WWE, this is the week that finally sold me on the Colons. Three matches in the top 25 by mid-March and I’d imagine a couple more will end up on there before they break up. They had a tag two months earlier that I didn’t much care for, and one the week before that was ok but kind of weirdly structured, it was almost all babyface offense with limited heel heat segments even though it got a lot of time. This blew both away, real good old school tag match with good heat stretches and a hot finish. Miz outclasses Morrison as a heel here, between his performance in this and the Primo match on ECW I don’t know how anyone would think Morrison was the stronger member of the team. Carlito throws really nice punches and Primo’s white meat babyface stuff works really well as a foil for the 00s reality douche heel work. Like the Primo/Miz match this left me wanting more of these four together.

18. Finlay v The Brian Kendrick, WWE, 3/13

I almost didn’t even bother watching this, I mean it barely touches four minutes in tape time but Kendrick is a really great cocksucker heel and Finlay does enjoy beating the shit out of smaller dudes, so I went back and watched it. It did not disappoint, Kendrick is an absolute motherfucker here, any sensible man would want to see Finlay go all Bear Jew on his ass with that Irish stick. I on the other hand write a wrestling blog and thus am clearly not a sensible man, so all I could think of was ‘why did you have to love drugs so much and rob ME PERSONALLY of seeing you work upper card’. I think it’s a very valid question. Finlay isn’t as spectacular in this as he is in his better Swagger matches and Kendrick doesn’t have the stuff (to use a baseball term that probably doesn’t really fit) to match Swagger, but Finlay is still very good and I really can’t say enough about Kendrick being a total fly on your ass. This needed fifteen minutes on Superstars or something.

2009 MOTY List, still very far behind

1. Jack Swagger v Christian, 2/24
2. John Cena v Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho v Edge v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 2/15
3. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
4. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
5. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
6. Edge v Triple H v Undertaker v Jeff Hardy v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/15
7. John Cena v Chris Jericho, WWE, 2/2
8. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/3
9. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
10. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
11. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
12. Jack Swagger & Mark Henry vs Christian & Finlay, 2/17
13. Randy Orton v Shane McMahon, WWE, 2/15
14. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
15. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE, 2/10
16. The Miz & John Morrison & The Brian Kendrick v Primo & Carlito & R-Truth, WWE, 2/6
17. Jack Swagger & The Miz & John Morrison v Christian & Finlay & Tommy Dreamer, WWE, 3/3
18. Shawn Michaels v JBL, WWE, 2/15
19. John Cena & Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho & Randy Orton, WWE, 1/5
20. Rey Mysterio v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 3/2
21. Edge & Big Show v Triple H & Undertaker, WWE, 2/6
22. CM Punk v JBL, WWE, 3/9
23. Big Show v Festus, 1/30
24. Big Show v Triple H, WWE, 1/9
25. Randy Orton v Undertaker, WWE, 2/9

OFF. Chris Sabin v Alex Shelley, TNA, 1/11
OFF. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/15
OFF. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/26

17. Jack Swagger & The Miz & John Morrison v Christian & Finlay & Tommy Dreamer, WWE, 3/3

This is kind of strange, because Miz and Morrison went out and took their six-man tag match onto all three WWE shows. This is the second one, from ECW. It’s a lot better than the third from RAW, which seems crazy because it’s replacing Swagger with Kane (big step down) and Dreamer with Mysterio (nearly incomprehensible step up). But that match was short and kinda shitty. The first one was on Smackdown! a month before the ECW match, and it had Kendrick instead of Swagger on the heel team, which is a plus for the ECW match, traded the Colons for Christian and Finlay, which is a plus for the ECW match, and R-Truth instead of Dreamer on the face team, which is at worst a wash. So the ECW match had the best lineup of the three but it’s only the second best, I definitely liked the first one more. This is still a pretty awesome match, but for some reason they decided to have Dreamer working FIP and Miz and Morrison work the bulk of the heat which doesn’t work so well for me when presented with more attractive options. Finlay trapping Miz in the apron at the start of the match is pretty boss and it’s a shame he doesn’t get to do too much more, but then again he’s pretty old. When Christian gets the hot tag the match finally kicks into A++ gear and leads to a great finishing stretch with Morrison, Christian, and Swagger. A damn fine six-man.

20. Rey Mysterio v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 3/2

So I fucking hate triple threat matches. I was texting my friend Brian one day about this and he was amazed because he thought I preferred multi-man matches to singles. I gave my phone the funniest look when I read that. I also tend to not like them when they’re run with “RAW guys”, because “RAW booked wrestling” is almost always really really fucking lazy with the tropes they use. So I was pretty surprised when I dug this match as much as I did and it is all, entirely, 100% Rey Mysterio, your 2009 wrestler of the year (yes, I’ve decided this as of March when I watched two straight John Cena television main events, couldn’t really get into either of them, decided he just isn’t as good without a title for whatever reason, remembered that he’s only held a title for like nine total weeks as of the end of August, and went “…oh”). The match does start with the stupid three way crap of ‘knock a dude outside, other two dudes work each other’, but it’s ok because Rey takes a swank bump to set that up. Then Kane takes a shitty bump, but it’s ok because you’ve got Rey in there with Knox. Then they abandon the two inside one outside bullshit and get down to all three in the ring, Rey running around hitting both of the big dudes with all this great looking Rey offense. Kane and Knox are pretty much perfect as pillars for Rey’s insanity, and they both kill the fuck out of him when it’s their turn to smack Rey around. The ending sequence is awesome and it has everyone biting on nearfalls. Even me. I watched this match live six months ago. What the fuck? I almost think this should be higher.

22. CM Punk v JBL, WWE, 3/9

CM Punk is my favorite wrestler but I’m not really that high on too many of his matches, this is his first match on the list. It’s the last match of his Intercontinental title reign, which sucks in a sense, but is also awesome because I really like JBL, too. JBL manages to beat the shit out of the Punk in a manner that lets you admire the stiffness and brutality, as opposed to the Punk/Regal series where it was vaguely creepy to the point that I found the matches uncomfortable to watch. JBL also has the best clothesline in the God damn world and Punk takes two of them like a fucking MAN. Punk works just fine as the fired up babyface here and JBL works in his big match violence stuff and I don’t know, I just got into it. Fun little match!

2009 MOTY list is Jack Swagger vs Christian, motherfuckers!

1. Jack Swagger v Christian, 2/24
2. John Cena v Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho v Edge v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 2/15
3. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
4. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
5. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
6. Edge v Triple H v Undertaker v Jeff Hardy v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/15
7. John Cena v Chris Jericho, WWE, 2/2
8. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/3
9. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
10. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
11. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
12. Jack Swagger & Mark Henry vs Christian & Finlay, 2/17
13. Randy Orton v Shane McMahon, WWE, 2/15
14. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
15. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE, 2/10
16. The Miz & John Morrison & The Brian Kendrick v Primo & Carlito & R-Truth, WWE, 2/6
17. Shawn Michaels v JBL, WWE, 2/15
18. John Cena & Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho & Randy Orton, WWE, 1/5
19. Edge & Big Show v Triple H & Undertaker, WWE, 2/6
20. Big Show v Festus, 1/30
21. Big Show v Triple H, WWE, 1/9
22. Randy Orton v Undertaker, WWE, 2/9
23. Chris Sabin v Alex Shelley, TNA, 1/11
24. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/15
25. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/26

OFF. Triple H v Undertaker v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/13

1. Jack Swagger v Christian, 2/24

Okay. So it’s August now, pretty much six months to the day since this match actually happened. I went to WrestleMania this year. I was legitimately more excited to see this six-month old match today than anything on WrestleMania. I do not remember the last time that I was this excited to see a new match, let alone a match that I’ve had sitting on my hard drive for six fucking months. This is something similar to what I did with Wall*E. Downloaded it, left it sitting on my hard drive, heard great things about it, slowly got more excited to watch it until I actually realized I’d be watching it soon, at which point I started getting really, really excited. I’ve been buzzing, BUZZING for fuck’s sakes, with excitement to watch this match for the last few days now. I could have watched this match at any point in the last six months. But I Wall*E’d it. And true to form with Wall*E, this meant two other things:

1) It wasn’t nearly as superficially satisfying as a usual great movie (or match) that I happened to watch out of nowhere, only to find that it’s really fucking great, is.

2) It was still undeniably super fucking great.

Was Christian always this good? Like, do I need to go back and watch some more fucking TNA? I’d totally do it if someone is going to tell me there are more Christian matches of this caliber. Or at least comparable calibers. It’s early into his ECW run so all of his now-usual spots are new and he’s working top face like he’ll never get this shot again. The deal with Christian is that he was put onto ECW to fill Matt Hardy’s roll of top babyface after Matt Hardy was moved to Christian’s roll of Jeff Hardy stalker. I’ve been really high on Matt Hardy for a couple years, consistently putting him in the top five wrestlers in the world in my books. Christian goes out and LITERALLY replaces Matt Hardy, wrestling the best Matt match that Matt ever wrestled, with of course the side note that Matt isn’t actually in this match. The beautiful thing about it is that it doesn’t ever feel the way that the other Swagger vs top ECW babyface matches did, where they were great and awesome but at the end of the day it was Swagger put into a Matt match (or a Finlay match), and he just happened to excel. Christian doesn’t do that. Yeah, the match is still based around the limb selling the way a Matt match is, Christian still throws the impactful sounding strikes the way Matt does, the match is laid out just as smartly as any Matt match ever has been, but this manages to be Matt Hardy vs Jack Swagger if it was booked to be John Cena vs Shawn Michaels. I guess that’s really the best part of this match, it’s the 1/13 Hardy/Swagger match mixed with the 1/12 Michaels/Cena match, which to this point were my two favorite singles matches of the year.

Of course this isn’t to say that Christian is a bystander in this match, just like it would be wrong to say that Swagger was a bystander in the Hardy or Finlay matches. Maybe it’s a little easier to praise Swagger here. I don’t know. It’s an impeccably paced, planned, and wrestled 25 minute TV main event that takes a pre-RAW crowd and drags them into it. It almost feels wrong to praise individual spots that Christian or Swagger pull off here. Swagger is Swagger, with his brutal power offense and quick amateur offense, slowed and paced to go 25 minutes, and while the end result is different and maybe not as viscerally pleasing as his 14 minute speed of destruction offense matches, it’s still really great and pretty much on a level higher than just about anyone in WWE. With the way Triple H kills off Orton and Cena falls off after April (more to come), there’s a really, really good argument that Jack Swagger is the first-half-of-2009 wrestler of the year. It’s basically him or Rey Mysterio. Dude’s been on television for five months and he’s already taken his best match and adapted it to an even better match featuring two established WWE main eventers and beat THAT match, too. What the fuck more could anyone want from him? To go back to ECW so he could have awesome matches again? Oh.

But while Swagger’s first run of matches were all about Swagger and how he adapted in the universe of a Matt Hardy match or a Finlay match, this is about Christian in the same way that Wall*E was the star of that movie. I don’t remember the moment in Wall*E, off the top of my head, where I changed from someone passively watching something that he was excited for with a smile on his face to completely immersed in the art. In this match, I was sitting there, thinking it was really good, but kind of felt let down. I’d waited months. I’d buzzed. And yet I was sitting there with the smile, happy with what I was seeing but detached. Then Christian actually manages to get out of the powerbomb and I marked the fuck out. This match was six months old, and I came in with impossible expectations. And I still marked out.

This match isn’t the Wall*E of movies. I don’t know that it will be #1 on this list at the end of the year (or #2, as Wall*E ended up). I don’t think that it has the one man performance of Rey Mysterio in the RAW Elimination Chamber, or the crowd emotion of Cena/Michaels. I don’t know that Christian’s impression here was more relatively impressive than Swagger’s mark in Hardy/Swagger. But for a match that combines all of those things and puts them together in a prettier package, it sure managed to get a lot of damn words out of me.

Wrestling. Hot damn.

2009 MOTY List

1. John Cena v Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho v Edge v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 2/15
2. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
3. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
4. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
5. Edge v Triple H v Undertaker v Jeff Hardy v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/15
6. John Cena v Chris Jericho, WWE, 2/2
7. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/3
8. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
9. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
10. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
11. Jack Swagger & Mark Henry vs Christian & Finlay, 2/17
12. Randy Orton v Shane McMahon, WWE, 2/15
13. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
14. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE, 2/10
15. The Miz & John Morrison & The Brian Kendrick v Primo & Carlito & R-Truth, WWE, 2/6
16. Shawn Michaels v JBL, WWE, 2/15
17. John Cena & Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho & Randy Orton, WWE, 1/5
18. Edge & Big Show v Triple H & Undertaker, WWE, 2/6
19. Big Show v Festus, 1/30
20. Big Show v Triple H, WWE, 1/9
21. Randy Orton v Undertaker, WWE, 2/9
22. Chris Sabin v Alex Shelley, TNA, 1/11
23. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/15
24. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/26
25. Triple H v Undertaker v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/13

OFF. Jeff Hardy v Edge, WWE, 1/25

11. Jack Swagger & Mark Henry vs Christian & Finlay, 2/17

So Jack Swagger at this point is pretty clearly rapidly becoming one of the best wrestlers in WWE (when I say ‘at this point’ I tend to mean at the point of the match itself, I’m like six months behind now). Finlay is a guy who will hit you hard in the face and it is awesome. He’s had several very good to excellent matches with Swagger. Mark Henry is an athletic giant who is one of the absolute SMARTEST workers around. I named this damn blog after him, and he makes a nice little team with Swagger. He’s also had several good matches with Finlay at this point. Then you have Christian, who came back to WWE and completely randomly was super fucking awesome. Like instantly becoming Swagger’s running buddy for fastest riser in WWE. And this match is only his second match back! But you throw these four together in a tag team match on ECW and give it some time and you pretty much expect it to be good. That’s the nice thing about ECW, what sounds good is going to BE good, and what doesn’t sound good is probably going to be good anyway. This is completely the opposite of RAW where you get something that sounds like it’s going to be fucking awesome and it sucks just like everything else. But that criticism will become more prevalent over the course of the year, as of February RAW was still awesome, and so was this match. Nothing super spectacular but a real good little tag match with four real good guys. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with getting exactly what you’d expect.

2009 MOTY list is unspeakably lazy

1. John Cena v Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho v Edge v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 2/15
2. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
3. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
4. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
5. Edge v Triple H v Undertaker v Jeff Hardy v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/15
6. John Cena v Chris Jericho, WWE, 2/2
7. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/3
8. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
9. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
10. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
11. Randy Orton v Shane McMahon, WWE, 2/15
12. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
13. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE, 2/10
14. The Miz & John Morrison & The Brian Kendrick v Primo & Carlito & R-Truth, WWE, 2/6
15. Shawn Michaels v JBL, WWE, 2/15
16. John Cena & Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho & Randy Orton, WWE, 1/5
17. Edge & Big Show v Triple H & Undertaker, WWE, 2/6
18. Big Show v Festus, 1/30
19. Big Show v Triple H, WWE, 1/9
20. Randy Orton v Undertaker, WWE, 2/9
21. Chris Sabin v Alex Shelley, TNA, 1/11
22. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/15
23. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/26
24. Triple H v Undertaker v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/13
25. Jeff Hardy v Edge, WWE, 1/25

DROPPED: The Miz & John Morrison v Rey Mysterio & Kofi Kingston, WWE, 1/5

Holy shit that got up to 25 in a hurry. And like the title says, unspeakably lazy.

1. John Cena v Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho v Edge v Kane v Mike Knox, WWE, 2/15

Because Rey Mysterio and John Cena are the best wrestlers in America, and fuck you.

5. Edge v Triple H v Undertaker v Jeff Hardy v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/15

Because Edge is out early and Big Show rules and the ending run is pretty great and fuck you..

6. John Cena v Chris Jericho, WWE, 2/2

Because these two know how to work meaningful learned psychology, and fuck you.

7. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/3

Because his name is Finlay, and he loves to fight. And: fuck you.

11. Randy Orton v Shane McMahon, WWE, 2/15

Because Orton can drag almost anyone, kicking and screaming, to a ‘fuck you’ great match.

13. Jack Swagger v Christian, WWE, 2/10

Because it hints at further greatness to come, while being awesome in itself, and because fuck you.

14. The Miz & John Morrison & The Brian Kendrick v Primo & Carlito & R-Truth, WWE, 2/6

Because this is a seriously awesome six-man tag that shocked the hell out of me. Fuck you.

15. Shawn Michaels v JBL, WWE, 2/15

Because it was the last in the great series of JBL/Michaels emotion-fests, and fuck you I miss JBL.

17. Edge & Big Show v Triple H & Undertaker, WWE, 2/6

Because Big Show totally rules it here and makes this hilariously fun, and fuck you.

20. Randy Orton v Undertaker, WWE, 2/9

Because the ending sucks but ‘Taker is a great foil for Randy and because fuck you.

22. Jack Swagger v Finlay, WWE, 2/15

Because this is the worst of these two, but it’s still these two, and fuck you.

24. Triple H v Undertaker v Big Show v Vladimir Kozlov, WWE, 2/13

Because fuck you, that’s why.

2009 Running MOTY List

1. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
2. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
3. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
4. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
5. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
6. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
7. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
8. John Cena and Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho and Randy Orton, WWE, 1/5
9. Big Show v Festus, 1/30
10. Big Show v Triple H, WWE, 1/9
11. Chris Sabin v Alex Shelley, TNA, 1/11
12. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/26
13. Jeff Hardy v Edge, WWE, 1/25
14. The Miz and John Morrison v Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston, WWE, 1/5

9. Big Show v Festus, WWE, 1/30

When I started watching matches to do a list for the year I sort of set a rule for myself to consider nothing under four minutes. I was watching some Boogeyman squash matches where everything he did looked sensational because they got a local job guy who could bump like crazy for him, and I just figured it’d kind of be unfair to count those matches because they’re so much easier to watch. But you know what? Fuck that rule, because this match wasn’t even three minutes and it was fucking AWESOME. I am “deducting marks” so-to-speak for lack of length, and I really would dig the fuck out of a good twelve minute match with those two, but while this lasts it’s way, way better than those Boogeyman-type squashes I was trying to avoid. Two huge dudes just hammering the crap out of each other for a good couple minutes? Sold! Show’s DDT was awesome, Festus’ corner DDT was less awesome but his punches totally made up for it, and honestly this has left me wanting Jesse and Festus opposite Show and Jericho. Pretty much the perfect way to work a short match, TNA should take notes.

12. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/26

This is from RAW the night after the Royal Rumble, and I think everyone in the entire company went out and hit lines off of Candice Michelle or something post-Rumble because EVERYONE was off all show. This match definitely doesn’t escape that and coming both off their match with each other two weeks earlier and the emotion charged Rumble title match with both involved, this is just incredibly disappointing. It kind of feels like the weird, retarded lovechild of those two matches. It has the cool ideas and transitions of the first match, such as Shawn countering the Five Knuckle Shuffle into a crossface, only it’s just about the worst crossface I’d ever seen to that point (it was that kind of night). It was building to the same storyline advancement hot finish, and it was a pretty great finish, but the body of the match wasn’t as good as that match’s. So it’s really the retarded lovechild however that’s kind of like giving Ryan Gosling and Megan Fox a retarded lovechild. Sure it’s retarded, but it’s also probably still hotter than 90% of the people in the world. I… don’t really think that analogy works, but what I’m going for is that the first two matches were so good that even the stupid mash-up of them is just good enough to make the list. Also can someone tell me why Shawn refuses to get hair plugs? I could pretty much see straight up scalp when Cena had the STF on. I mean Jesus, I can’t possibly imagine staring at that nonsense in HD.

Running 2009 MOTY List

Man, fuck watching TNA, I want to watch some shit I actually LIKE. New entries on the list are in bold, explanations below.

1. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE, 1/12
2. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/13
3. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25
4. Big Show v MVP, WWE, 1/16
5. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE, 1/6
6. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25
7. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA, 1/11
8. John Cena and Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho and Randy Orton, WWE, 1/5
9. Big Show v Triple H, WWE, 1/9
10. Chris Sabin v Alex Shelley, TNA, 1/11
11. Jeff Hardy v Edge, WWE, 1/25
12. The Miz and John Morrison v Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston, WWE, 1/5

3. Jack Swagger v Matt Hardy, WWE, 1/25

MATT HARDY NEARLY KILLS HIMSELF ON A MOONSAULT FOR OUR SINS! The cool thing about rematches where the heel took the first match over the ace babyface is that the dynamic almost always changes. You see this a lot in John Cena matches, especially over 2008. Once the babyface is no longer working as champion, their matches become more about their offense and less their selling. For a good couple of years Matt Hardy was pretty much your middle card ace babyface in the sense that he was always having matches built around him selling. After going to ECW he moved up to the top of that card until he lost to Swagger in the first match between them. So this is really the first time we’ve seen a match that’s built around offense from Matt. It’s also the end of his babyface run because he turns heel later in the show. However, the other thing about rematches in such a situation is that they’re usually not as good. Don’t get me wrong, this is still a fucking awesome, awesome match, with great sequences of offense from Matt (his punches are particularly bang on, and that’s saying something, it’s not like Matt Hardy is Shane McMahon) and Swagger still finding it in him to ruin Matt’s arm even while taking an ass-kicking, but it worked better with the roles flipped. That said I did have to watch the two matches back to back to make up my mind, and I’d expect both of the matches to make the year end list. Really too bad we never got a third one.

6. John Cena v JBL, WWE, 1/25

It’s funny, this match is better than all of the Cena/JBL matches from 2008. All of JBL’s stuff (and isn’t it funny how half the time when I talk about wrestlers, I sound like I’m talking about pitchers?) looks really brutal, Cena was firing on absolutely all cylinders at this point, everything they do together looks good and builds well. However, and this is the funny part, it’s basically all irrelevant. This match is pretty much entirely about Shawn Michaels and the interplay between him and the other two. As cool as it is to listen to Jerry Lawler, himself known for excellent punches, speak in awe of JBL slugging Cena in the face, this match is more or less a study in wrestling character drama. Everything builds to the moment when Shawn has to interfere and in the process it leaves everything else feeling like an exhibition. As an exhibition, it’s a damn good one, and Shawn makes great conflicted faces the whole time up until the ref bump, which itself is well done. The finish is one of those incredibly simple yet incredibly gratifying WWE deals, along the lines of the count out spots that a hot crowd will just eat up and make you smile while watching them do so. Shawn kicks JBL, his evil boss that everyone hates, and everyone goes nuts, Shawn looks like he’s about to cry from the joy of getting to kick JBL, Cena looks incredibly proud, and then Shawn kicks Cena, everyone boos, Shawn rolls JBL onto Cena and walks off. Cena of course ends up kicking out and EVERYONE buys the nearfall. Again I saw this show in a movie theater, everyone there popped huge for the kick out. The best part is that the ref bump to finish is a full quarter of the match and yet there’s like three moves in it. It’s just that kind of match, simple yet effective, with a very gratifying finish. Yeah you see it coming from a mile away but it’s so well done that you cheer and you smile at everyone else cheering. Sometimes knowing that the innocence isn’t entirely lost is enough.

11. Jeff Hardy v Edge, WWE, 1/25

Possibly the worst looking match that will make the list this year but hey it’s early and there were a couple of really cool moments here, not the least of which was Jeff Hardy’s face paint managing to stay on for the entire match. Edge is one of the most infuriating things in wrestling for me, because I really like the guy and all but he’s just been so, SO bad for years now. For some reason he started getting booked as super diabolical heel with all this methodical offense and it’s just the worst fucking thing because it’s stripping like everything he’s good at doing from him and trying to make him be Triple H, which he’s no good at. Of course Triple H isn’t really working well as Triple H these days either but that’s another thing for the list really infuriating things. Edge had a street fight with Matt Hardy on the Smackdown! before this show and it fucking sucked. How the fuck does one have a bad match with babyface Matt Hardy? And yet Edge pulled it off. Two days later and we have this, which is just so much better. Of course you still have the lengthy Edge methodical control segment in the middle which is awful. For whatever reason he decides to sell all of Jeff’s offense by laying around and then limping towards Jeff to lay in some shitty offense of his own. At one point it feels like we’re waiting five minutes between exchanges and Edge throws a sub-Maria level forearm and I get visibly angry. So of course all of the good stuff here is led off by Jeff. I’m always very irritable when there’s a big heated grudge match and they start off with a lock up. A fucking lock up. Thankfully Jeff goes right after Edge to start things off which is much appreciated. Pretty much immediately after that the match dies until Jeff gets a really sweet looking Twist of Fate onto the apron, and in fairness Edge bumped for it real well. Jeff also almost murders both himself and Chavo Guerrero by trying to do a splash off of a ladder to an announce table, only he loses his footing and just kinda flails to the table and the entire time down everyone watching is seriously worried we’re about to witness a tragedy. That is both a good and a bad thing, the bad is obvious, the good is because it does add to the match a bit. Jeff Hardy matches kind of need that “sweet Jesus he’s going to kill himself” feel to them, plus if Jeff breaks his neck or something maybe it’d be believable that Edge’s shitty offense would be remotely effective. Matt and Vickie Guerrero come out for the finish, and of course the part of the match where they load up on talented people is the best part. The Matt turn was actually really awesome, I watched this in a theater with a bunch of people who were all legit shocked by the turn. Matt locks on that hate-filled glare and refuses to let it go for what seems like forever. Plus he was still selling his arm injury from the opening match! Fuck Matt Hardy is awesome.

TNA Victory Road 2008

I had so much fun last time that I decided to do another!

Ahahahaha just kidding the show I actually wanted to watch is at my friend Bea’s house. Watching this show is basically going to be tantamount to self torture and I’ve eaten something like three bags of Doritos to get amped up for this show. It didn’t work and now I’m probably going to die young. Sweet.

Team Japan vs Team Mexico vs Team International vs Team TNA

TNA is apparently now a country, as is ‘International’, both of which are news to me. For whatever reason it takes fucking ten minutes into the show before a bell rings and when it does it’s for a God damn five hundred man match. There are a ton of dudes here that I basically only know from EWR and that pretty much sums up TNA’s entire existence right there. A bunch of really fast shit happens that looks extremely choreographed. Milano Collection AT is really the only one hitting anyone with anything resembling force whatsoever, so of course he gets pinned third following a double team move from Sabin and Shelley that misses COMPLETELY. This sucks because I hadn’t even figured out what team he was on, and thus hadn’t figured out who I want to win. I mean I’m not cheering for the “home team” because they called it Team TNA. It’s a principle thing. More really fast stuff happens, still doesn’t look any less like a total exhibition. Basically textbook TNA X-style wrestling that starts out with some rules that aren’t explained, ignores those rules anyway, features a ton of flips, and is completely devoid of any context. I mean fuck this match is literally a round robin match for a match later in the show. I think I’ve confused myself at this point. I remember seeing this really crazy praised, couldn’t tell you why. Very fast, not very good. At least they delivered ‘total non-stop action’.

Ten more minutes before the next match. What the fuck? Remember that time I said ‘at least they delivered ‘total non-stop action’’? I take it back.

Angelina Love vs Gail Kim

Gail Kim throws harder forearms than Doug Williams. That is both a compliment to Ms. Kim and a ‘wtf dude’ to Mr. Williams. I mean I know those Japanese boys are pretty and all but come on. Gail locks on a half-assed figure four around the ring post which is apparently shades of Bret Hart. Um, ok. Angelina is wearing these glorious tight black pants. How tight you ask? You can see her snatch when she bends over. Like the whole thing, possibly inside of it as well. She also runs pretty hilariously, like she’s been hypnotized into thinking she’s wearing heels and doesn’t want to fall and break something. Kind of feels like the entire middle of the match is missing because it basically goes right from the opening exchanges to the ‘omg why didn’t she stay down’ nearfalls, but whatever, this was pretty fun.

Shockingly good hype video for Lethal vs Dutt. Sonjay in particular comes off as really fucking awesome, which is a sense I’ve never gotten from him before. Then again I largely see him in TNA’s X Division and, as seen in the first match, that’s not the best place to build and use a character.

Sonjay Dutt vs Jay Lethal

Man I really loved this angle a lot. Totally should have paid more attention to TNA last summer just for this. Then again, probably not. But I liked this match a lot. The finish really sucked, particularly for a grudge match, but I thought this was a million times better than that opening clusterfuck. Best thing I’ve ever seen Sonjay in, Val was believable as the concerned onlooker, would have liked to see more hate fire from Jay but he was still good.

Beer Money Inc vs LAX (c)

I saw a bunch of guys come out with straps. They stood around the ring. I started paying attention to other stuff. I love Homicide and all but these ‘fan revenge’ matches are dumb.

Awesome Kong vs Taylor Wilde (c)

Taylor Wilde has the second worst wrestling music I’ve ever heard, the worst being that of the Motor City Machine Guns. I think last TNA review I did mentioned something about how the TNA girls like to brag about how they’re serious athletes and not whores like the WWE girls. Why is it, then, that so many more TNA girls have tongue rings, the international sign for ‘will suck your dick’? Hell the only tongue ring I can even think of in WWE is CM Punk. Anyway there’s like a match going on here or something, and Kong just absolutely ruins Wilde. Taylor is all oh haha I’m going to throw some crappy ass forearms at your stomach my name is Doug Williams and meanwhile, Awesome Kong is a) awesome (Awesome?) b) used to working Gail Kim. So Kong quickly nixes that idea and starts tossing Taylor around before Taylor wins with a roll up. Pretty good little match, probably the best thing on the show to this point, which tends to be how things with Kong work.

Post-match Kong beats the shit out of Taylor which I am totally down for. Then Abyss comes out and I decide my cat wants some attention. He doesn’t at first but he comes around and I get to completely avoid Abyss rescuing Taylor.

Awfully dramatic build video for a match that basically consists of four skinny dudes running and flipping really fast while some fat guys who got into a wrestling show for free watch indifferently. T-N-A!

Naruki Doi vs Volador Jr vs Daivari vs Kaz

It is AMAZING how much Daivari and Kaz look like legitimate US heavyweight wrestlers next to skinny as Naruki Doi. Daivari looks hilariously like Aladdin with a beard with those damn pants. This was a lot slower and better paced than the opener and thus I thought it was a lot better. Still not better than Kong-Wilde, probably a bit better than Lethal-Dutt just because of that dumb fucking finish, and I really don’t care that much because I’m not doing a match ranking! Fine match.

Team 3-D and Kurt Angle vs Rhino, Christian Cage, and AJ Styles

Interesting. When I watched TNA regularly Styles was the comedy guy in Christian’s stable, and later the comedy guy in Angle’s stable, and yet here he’s the big name on the babyface team. That’s pretty cool for AJ, hopefully they put the big title on him sooner than later and give him a long run with it. Or he leaves and goes to WWE so I can see him in matches I give a shit about. Either or. Match stipulation ends up being Full Metal Mayhem, which apparently is code for ‘exactly what you’d expect if you put six guys in a TNA ring with no rules EXCEPT NO RULES 1999 oh fuck yeah’. To make matters worse Rhino and the Dudleys/z are basically useless, and Kurt Angle is pretty much a cripple who was never much good (but at least you can cover for him when you have actually good dudes in with him, not much covering for fucking Bubba Ray). I guess a nice way of talking about this match would be to say “it was a bit better than the five man ladder match from the previous show” but really for multi-man gimmick matches I’m not particularly convinced this was any better than the four-way. Probably a bad idea to run two multi-man spotfests back to back like that. Especially if the one with wrestlers that people care about is inferior.

Booker T vs Samoa Joe (c)

I spent way too much time thinking about the word Joe while the pre-match crap was going on and now I think it’s the most hilarious word I’ve ever seen. So much so that I’m actively being distracted, watching Joe do stuff and giggling hysterically by how funny his name is. Now, apparently when I laughed really hard my eyes shut like Cartman. I managed to work myself up to the point where I MISSED Joe’s blade job. I finally notice it and holy shit he gigged the fuck out of his head for a match that no one really seems to care about. However, the match is actually pretty good, they work well together, Booker is fine, Joe is good, I’d actually say this is the best thing on the show and a worthy main event. The ref bump, however, totally sucks, and I wish the camera didn’t constantly cut to Sharmell in the first row. In general I just wish TNA camera work wasn’t so awful. I mean Joe doesn’t actually crush his opponent’s face into the guard rail with the Ole Ole kick, that’s obvious. ROH masks this by showing it from behind and at an angle, because that’s just logic. TNA, a bigger company than ROH with a national television deal and supposedly people who know how to shoot live wrestling, manage to fuck it up so you can see Joe miss. Just embarrassing. Booker gets cut open too. Joe kills everyone that gets in his way, which is so fucking awesome because Joe in full out kill mode is really awesome, and it totally holds the match together even after the shitty ref bump and the shitty clusterfuck that this tries to become. Sting comes out to get Joe to stop. It’s funny because Booker at this point is laid out and you have to figure he’s going ‘thank God I can’t get blamed for this shit’. So Joe starts walking off with Sting, then makes a ‘lol ya rite’ face and turns around and goes back to wreck Booker some more. Sting is all ‘hey man wtf’ and Joe flips him off and says ‘fuck you’. Like you can read his lips and everything, Joe rules. Sting then lays out Joe and Sharmell counts the pin for Booker. In summary, body of the match was good, everything after the ref bump except for Joe sucked a huge cock, Joe was awesome throughout, finish was completely FUBAR. I love me some Joe, but this doesn’t give one a good feeling going forward into their next show. Which I own, and will force myself to watch at some point. This is still better than the last show though.

TNA Slammiversary 2008

Petey Williams (c) vs Kaz

It’s Canada Day and I am fucking bored and would rather do anything than read about Brian Burke’s butchering of my beloved Leafs and Bob Gainey’s hilarious skull rape of the rival Habs and so for some reason I’ve decided to watch some TNA DVDs. Naturally this means that Petey Williams, a boring Canadian wrestler, is going to be in the opening match, defending his TNA X Division Championship, so named because TNA thinks that every wrestling fan in the world is still rocking the 90s slang. While watching this match I couldn’t help but think how much better it would be if Mark Henry was in it, which reminded me that ‘oh yeah I have a wrestling blog’, and so I decided to write about this show. Unfortunately the match is so boring that I actually ended up Wiki’ing Kaz to see if he was also a boring Canadian wrestler (he is not). He ends up bleeding a ton from a lead pipe that actually looks like the world’s tallest beer can, which is unfortunate if it’s hardway because it looked ridiculous and stupid as fuck if it was a blade job. Petey wins, Petey’s cool little stable of him, Scott Steiner, and Rhaka Khan beat up Kaz, Abyss makes the save. I was forced to Wiki Abyss to see if he was a boring Canadian wrestler. He isn’t.

Eric Young, a boring Canadian wrestler, starts some wacky show-long running gag where they get a fake Elvis. It’s stupid. A video package on Kevin Nash, who is awesome, but the package kinda sucks. Interview with Nash which is alright. Video package for the three-on-three women’s match and there is nothing more pathetic than TNA’s tits division doing videos about how they’re serious athletes whereas WWE’s tits division is not. Especially if you’re going to put fucking ODB in the package, given that she’s awful and her gimmick is literally ‘look at my tits’. When your most credible ‘we are real athletes not just cheesecake’ advocate is fucking Angelina Love, who’s entrance consists of getting in the ring and showing her ass for a full minute so we all get the idea that her ass is more important than her athletic ability, then you can fuck right off with your moral crap. Then a weird 14 second shot of what I think is supposed to be Elvis’ house but I wasn’t paying attention. “Finally” a match.

Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, and Moose vs Gail Kim, ODB, and Roxxi

The Beautiful People are kind of awesome. I mean they named their friend “Moose” because she is all big boned and shit. So Angelina and Velvet are tons of character-based awesome but unfortunately everyone else here pretty much sucks. Moose comes from the Beth Phoenix school of ‘trick people into thinking you are a female Vader by being bigger than the average woman’s wrestler and yet don’t actually have any sort of good-looking power offense’. I’ve actually liked Beth for a while now but I’m not sure how much of that is opponents because I’ve trained myself to kinda just ignore Beth Phoenix matches. I’m also not sure what the hell that has to do with anything but whatever, too late now. Moose actually has the worst looking offense of anyone here, and that’s saying something. Roxxi has this pretty awesome big wind up on her forearms but instead of fastballs they’re change ups and come in super slow. Everyone on the internet goes nuts for Gail Kim, but everyone on the internet is also a hentai-watching pervert who has masturbated at least once to Misty from the Pokemon cartoon. Gail Kim would literally not have a career in professional wrestling, or at least she would not have a FOLLOWING in professional wrestling, if she wasn’t a little Asian girl who wears sexy shorts that ride up her ass. I’m sure ODB has a blast with her character and it’s pretty cool when people are into it but it’s basically the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I mean at least her shit looks more hurty than Moose’s, but watching her wrestle is not good times. Even the ref for this match is positively retarded. The guy is in shorts and fucking knee high socks. What the fuck is that? Still I was somehow starting to think that this was a decent little six-man (woman?) and then ODB wins with the worst powerslam ever. Eh, it was better than the opener.

Immediately we cut to another kinda shitty video package, this time on Rhino, and thank God we do because from the way ODB is groping herself I’m almost positive we’re about to see some squirt action going on. Rhino gets the requisite post-video interview. Video package for 3-D vs LAX. It’s… well it’s like all the video packages.

LAX (c) vs Team 3-D

Homicide and Hernandez are totally awesome and Shelly Martinez and Hector Guerrero as running buddies does nothing to detract from that. Team 3-D are two dudes that I’d like to be into because they seem cool and all but I can’t shake the feeling that they’re just not very good and pretty much are only still around because people were super into tables that broke in 2000. My suspicions are confirmed when the crowd immediately says ‘fuck this match WE WANT TABLES *clap clap clapclapclap* WE WANT TABLES *clap clap clapclapclap*’. Whenever I see Homicide in TNA I’m immediately reminded that I have much, much better Homicide that I could be watching, and then I get sad that there’s not really anywhere viable that he can go and be super awesome Homicide consistently. Everything about this match is pretty boring, and totally gives the crowd away as people who don’t follow the show at all. The only thing they do all match is chant for tables. Waste of my mothafuckin’ time!

Awesome Kong vs Serena Deeb, Awesome Kong vs The Artist Eventually Known As Sojourner Bolt

I had to look up who the hell Serena was until she said her name and coincidentally she just signed with WWE so good for her! Kong wins both of these and this is a total time waster. Serena’s purple g-string is probably the most positive contribution she makes. The two matches work together though because Serena and her g-string getting murdered gets the crowd totally amped for Sojourner to beat the big bad black lady. You have to remember we’re in Memphis and they probably don’t take too kindly to the darkies. Sojourner has blonde in her hair so I guess she doesn’t count. It’s all actually kind of awesome and honestly this whole bit is the best thing on the show to this point. And yes, I’m aware I just called it a time waster beforehand. It’s that kind of show.

The Eric Young/Elvis thing gets its payoff and it’s horrible. I think Eric Young mocked Mr. Kennedy. YOU’RE ERIC YOUNG.

Jay Lethal marries So Cal Val OR DOES HE

I think wrestling weddings are pretty uniformly awesome. Amazingly they actually put So Cal Val in a wedding dress that not only covered more of her up than normal, but covered her up more than most wedding dresses cover up. Sonjay Dutt interrupts the ceremony because he’s covered in bacne and wants himself some ginger ass. All hell breaks loose and this is awesome. Really awesome.

What’s not awesome is the Booker T stupid fucking insider interview. NO ONE WATCHING WRESTLING WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT WRESTLING RATINGS JUST FUCK OFF.

Kurt Angle vs AJ STyles

A surprisingly awesome video package for a heated blood feud grudge match! Hey this match should start with some sweet punches right oh wait what the fuck is this collar and elbow tie up shit here for? This match is really long but it’s boring without much to it. You can again tell that the crowd doesn’t give two fucking shits about TNA because this is the heated grudge match and no one cares at all. Near falls that don’t get any crowd reactions? Awful. The match is slow, but not ‘slow and methodical’, just ‘slow’. Really disappointing and not worth many words or even bad jokes.

Samoa Joe (c) vs Christian Cage vs Booker T vs Robert Roode vs Rhino

King of the Mountain is a stupid gimmick because it’s needlessly complicated. Not complicated in the sense that it’s actively hard to follow or understand (like most stupid gimmicks in TNA) but complicated in the sense that there is absolutely no reason for someone to have come up with this fucking shit. Once again this crowd just DOESN’T fucking care. Even the announced countdowns, which ALWAYS get a pop, don’t get anything. They kind of get into Joe and Christian doing dives but not even as much as they got into fucking Sojourner Bolt. This really should be the ultimate in crazy clusterfucks, because it’s a five-man match with a ladder in a promotion that encourages clusterfucks. Instead this is barely faster than the Angle/Styles match, with long periods of two dudes in the ring and everyone else laying around, way too long before the ladder and other weapons are introduced, and not much in the way of cluster spots. The finish is pretty cool where Joe lays out Roode to become eligible to win (what) and then just kinda goes ‘fuck it no one cares let’s just end this and go home’. Well he didn’t actually say that but I like to think he did. He actually did win the match pretty much right away though. Nothing special and it’s kind of funny how this multi-man ladder match filled with heavyweights is so much inferior to WWE’s multi-man ladder match filled with heavyweights from WrestleMania XXV and yet everyone bitched about how WWE was putting heavyweights in a ladder match. That actually is neither here nor there. TNA is kind of too boring to pay attention to for a full three hours without going on a tangent.

Show pretty much sucked. Nothing was really shitty or anything but the best match was a two minute woman’s squash and the best segment was a wedding. Well of course the best segment was the wedding because wrestling weddings rule. But yeah like I said nothing was super shitty but it was all really boring nothing matches. Watch something you like instead of this. I wish I did.

Running 2009 MOTY List

1. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE RAW, 1/12
2. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE ECW, 1/13
3. Big Show v MVP, WWE Smackdown!, 1/16
4. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE ECW, 1/6
5. Kurt Angle v Jeff Jarrett, TNA Genesis, 1/11
6. John Cena and Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho and Randy Orton, WWE RAW, 1/5
7. Big Show v Triple H, WWE Smackdown!, 1/9
8. Chris Sabin v Alex Shelley, TNA Genesis, 1/11
9. The Miz and John Morrison v Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston, WWE RAW, 1/5

1. John Cena v Shawn Michaels, WWE RAW, 1/12

So I'm watching RAW and notice there's thirty-five minutes left in the show and they're starting the entrances for this match, and all I can think is 'motherFUCK yes!', and this did not let me down at all. The tag match the week before was largely built around the Shawn/JBL drama and held down by Cena's strong face-in-peril work. This match is built largely around the Shawn/JBL drama (JBL is right at ringside for the entire match this week, and he once again nearly steals the entire show by just being there), Cena being the world champion, and callbacks to the Cena/Michaels RAW match from 2007 (i.e. Shawn reversing a top-rope F-U attempt into a powerbomb). This is really worked with Cena working from the top, staring down Shawn near the start of the match, getting outfoxed by Michaels for the advantage as opposed to just being outwrestled by him, really working a subtle heel that he is awesome at. Not as awesome as the selling babyface champ, but still really awesome. I said Shawn is getting better as time goes by, his execution hasn't necessarily come along with him. His chops still suck, his crossface has never looked worse, he still does those flashy-but-annoying-if-you-think-about-it-for-even-two-seconds 'athletic' bumps from corner whips. But his role here is to build the drama between him and JBL, be the catalyst to build drama between Cena and JBL, create drama in the match as he has to outthink the dominant world champ to get ahead of him at all. So even though the way he does things still makes you put your head in your hands from time to time, he is really great at bringing drama into things, and I am more than fine with Cena carrying the wrestling load at this point. Cena sells like a champ for everything Shawn does, Shawn returns the favor, everything is worked like a big, dramatic, pay-per-view main event that you just happen to be getting for free on RAW. Finishing run is really good, Cena kicks out of a DDT, Shawn kicks out of the F-U, Cena kicks out of the superkick, Shawn gets to the ropes from the STF, and then a second superkick finally puts Shawn down. I hope stuff like that doesn't become a trend in big WWE matches this year, but with the running history between these two and the way the match was booked, I'm fine with the finisher kickouts. If this had happened in 2008, it probably would have been my third favorite Shawn Michaels match. Probably my third favorite Cena match, too.

2. Matt Hardy v Jack Swagger, WWE ECW, 1/13

ECW is taped before RAW now, so technically this is the first of the great WWE television matches from this week. It's almost as if someone was sitting there watching the TNA show and thinking 'you know... two of these matches are pretty good... fuck that shit, let's put three better matches on free shows this week'. There's absolutely no chance that happened, but it's kind of fun to think about. Anyway, I came into this match expecting a complete fuck finish, thinking there was no way they were doing the title change on a free show. Shows what I know. As good as I think Finlay is, I think Matt Hardy has passed him for the spot of 'best television match wrestler' in the company. Much like last week's Swagger match was a signature Finlay television match, this week's is the signature Hardy 'injure a body part' television match. This is a title change match, though, so both guys totally bring it. I mean Matt always brings it, but he's working like he wants another title shot real soon. Swagger always brings it, but he's working like he wants to start off his title reign with a great match. Both guys bust ass and really sell the struggle between the two of them. A lot has been said about the Hardy powerbomb spot, and it really is as great as everyone says it is. My one complaint is that Swagger's Red White And Blue Thunderbomb (they really need to call it this more often) doesn't look the best it's ever looked. Whatever. This has a shockingly big match atmosphere for an ECW show, but it's the best wrestling show on television so maybe that shouldn't be a shock. Really, really awesome match, fuck that crowd for getting both this and the Cena/Michaels match. I came in hoping for Big Show/Hardy at WrestleMania for the ECW title, now I totally want Finlay/Swagger. And more importantly, I want about a thousand rematches with these two between now and April.

3. Big Show v MVP, WWE Smackdown!, 1/16

The logic in running back-to-back last man standing matches on your free Friday show is kind of suspect. WWE has been running a pretty absurd number of these since the Cena/Umaga Rumble match two years ago, and at some point this stipulation won't mean a whole lot. Last week's was different and unique because it told a story of a guy who had the odds stacked against him actually succumbing to the odds and getting destroyed, which is not at all what you expect from WWE last man standing matches. So at first you wonder why they're doing Triple H/Big Show LMS two weeks in a row. Then they switch Triple H and MVP and hoooooly shit what a difference that makes. Big Show really is the best wrestler on Smackdown! right now, but MVP is right there at number two, and putting you two best wrestlers in a lengthy television match is generally going to be pretty ok in my books. MVP is working a five month losing streak, Big Show is working a three week 'I think being out here is pretty pointless and I may get bored and leave but if I'm going to be out here I might as well crack skulls' streak. As such, the match is worked with MVP trying to tag Big Show with punches and kicks, keep moving to avoid Show's attacks, and trap Show into falling for the ten count. Of course, things do not go according to plan, with Big Show repeatedly catching and wrecking MVP. This is where MVP gets to show some some impressive babyface tenacity, struggling to his feet each time with the crowd chanting his name. He is fighting for himself, he is fighting for Triple H, he is fighting for everyone in the crowd who believes in him and is cheering for him. You can get all sorts of meta with the inner struggle of MVP here. Or you can just appreciate this match for the two best wrestlers on the roster working a clever last man standing match with a nice story that, once again, differs from the normal last man standing match we see. The finish, Triple H interfering and hitting Show in the head with a sledgehammer, works on two levels: first, Triple H is way more protected and he got essentially squashed by Big Show in this same match so there's no way MVP is winning by himself; and second, the sledgehammer has been a protected weapons spot for as long as Triple H has been a headliner and having it take down Show for the count actually subtly puts over Show's knockout punch, which put Triple H down for the count the week before. This match ruled, and I am excited for babyface MVP.

4. Finlay v Jack Swagger, WWE ECW, 1/6

Right before they lock up, Finlay gets this giant grin on his face, as if to say 'oh man, this is gonna be fun'. Well, anything that's fun for Finlay is probably going to be fun for me. This is more than fun, this is killer. Most of the pre-break parts feel like the Finlay/Lashley matches, big amateur guy being carried to a good match by Finlay. I like Lashley, and I liked those matches. But fuck that, Jack Swagger is way better and this match is way better. Swagger keeps eating Finlay's strikes all match, and every now and then he decides to lay one right back into him, he busts Finlay's mouth open right before the break and then, of all things, gets heat on Hornswoggle. Has anyone done that since JBL? Long ECW showcase match means that Finlay is going to be selling for most of it. Finlay selling maybe isn't as joyous and giggle-inducingly great as Finlay on offense, but he's really great at selling, and Swagger's long control sections are totally boss. He's also really great at structuring matches long matches built to showcase his opponent. Swagger looks awesome here, but it's really the Finlay show. As always.

5. Jeff Jarrett v Kurt Angle, TNA Genesis, 1/11

Hot damn, this match starts off spectacularly with a slugfest which Jarrett quickly gets the upper hand in and starts laying some real nice punches straight to Angle's jaw. Angle counters with suplexes and chin locks, kind of goofy in a hate brawl, but you have to figure the logic is that Angle's suplexes = Jarrett's punches and a chin lock is a way to wear Jarrett down. Either way Angle ends up absolutely wasting Jarrett with the ring bell and going into brutal ass kicker mode. The Angle Slam off of the stage through a table is kind of goofy, but it fits with the overall theme of Angle wanting to destroy Jarrett, and it creates the really cool visual with both guys crawling back to the ring. From there we get some weapon shots (awesome) and some counter wrestling (what), which play into the whole hate brawl thing about as much as you'd expect (perfectly and not at all, respectively). The match ends with a stretch of ankle lock reversals which are as stupid as ever, Jarrett plastering Angle with a chair for a nearfall, and then Angle getting a roll up win. Needless to say the end is about as night and day from the beginning as you can probably get in a single match, but the post-match beatdown Angle lays on Jarrett is sick, everything up until (and including) the crawl back to the ring is fucking excellent, and this is the best Angle match I've seen in three years.

6. John Cena and Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho and Randy Orton, WWE RAW, 1/5

So at this point I'm pretty convinced that Shawn Michaels hasn't stopped getting better since Triple H's second quad injury. You had the Terry Funk-esque crazy old man brawler in the first part of 2007 before he went out with injury, coming back as grumpy old man, which led into the Flair/Batista/Jericho stuff which was pretty fantastic all around. Now we're into the heart of the Shawn-as-JBL's-employee program and as much as it seems like they'll run JBL-HBK at WrestleMania, I'd be perfectly fine if they ran the angle all year. I'm not sure when Jericho and Orton would have been tagging on house shows recently because they seem to be alternating house show title matches opposite Cena, but at some point they've developed pretty good tag chemistry. They're not Miz and Morrison or Rhodes and Dibiase, but they're really good together. Cena works the majority of the match selling his ass off for the heels, which is great because that's what Cena is absolute best at. Still, those three aren't the focus at all here, it's the JBL/Shawn angle, and while you'd think the world champ and top heels being de-emphasized in a tag would be a bad thing, everyone here makes it work. JBL comes out for all of a minute, standing on the ramp and reminding everyone of what Shawn is supposed to do (take out Cena), and he may well steal the show. Shawn's will-he-or-won't-he stuff is played up really well. Eventually the answer is no, he won't, and Cena's look of pride is wonderful. Cena, Orton, and Jericho bring the quality wrestling, Shawn and Bradshaw bring the drama, and we have ourselves a damn good tag match.

7. Big Show v Triple H, WWE Smackdown!, 1/9

I hated the booking of the previous two matches, but they served their point as a set-up to this match. Sucks that Morrison, Miz, and Chavo had to be sacrificed, but fuck them because Big Show is way better. Triple H comes into this match with a fucked up arm, so the match is logically an extended beat down. Big Show is so awesome here, beating the shit out of Triple H's left arm, smirking and shaking his head every time Triple H gets up, wasting him with a clothesline and a crazy spear, just generally conveying the attitude of 'well, I'd rather be eating pie or something, but since I'm here, I might as well crush you'. Some of the things in the match are pretty silly, there's really no reason for Hunter to be taking the big over-the-rope bump from a whip to the corner (though is it really a surprise that he'd take from the pages of Flair and Michaels to bump in a way that it's all about him and not the guy actually delivering the move?), there's really no reason for Show to be down for an eight count off of a DDT when he hadn't taken any offense yet, the energetic hulk-up thing HHH does is pretty weird. But Show's dominance all match long makes the whole thing dramatic because you're always expecting Triple H to get back up, except he doesn't, and Show destroys him with a disgusting knockout punch. Probably not the match to be running at the end of a four hour taping where they've seen both guys between two and four times already, but a good match nonetheless.

8. Chris Sabin v Alex Shelley, TNA Genesis, 1/11

This is basically the flipped version of Jarrett/Angle, if you replace a hate-filled slugfest with competitive 2.9 wrestling. The opening five or so minutes is absolutely fucking embarassing, and the chop and strike exchanges are almost as bad. It's kind of sad seeing Sabin at the end of the match with his chest beat red and his eye somewhat swollen. They're shoot beating the shit out of each other but it looks like crap anyway, completely neutering the point of stiffness anyway. You also wonder where the hell the agents are on this show, because this is the second match on a card where the first match featured a handful of dives and powerbombs, and Sabin hits a dive to almost no reaction and Shelley hits a powerbomb to almost no reaction. Think, kids. Still, after Sabin's dive this match picks up and gets pretty good. Shelley dropping Sabin face first into the second turnbuckle is probably the coolest thing here, but everything looks nice and crisp after the opening suckfest. You kind of wish that they don't kick out of everything each other has, but the match is worked as members of a tag team who are equally matched and competing for a belt, so the kick outs work in context. Finish is pretty nifty, unlike in Angle/Jarrett, having this end on a roll up makes a lot of sense. Sabin sells the genuine concern for his buddy well. This isn't the kind of match you want to see them run every time out, but it's the best thing coming from the X Division in a long, long time.

9. The Miz and John Morrison v Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston, WWE RAW, 1/5

This isn't as spectacular or dramatic as the other tag match on this show (see above), but it is damn fun. Miz and Morrison have developed into a really great tag team (and damn fine singles wrestlers, at that), and Rey is Rey, still one of the best in the world. Kofi is more or less along for the ride here because he's not really in the same league as the other three, but he holds up his end, working a good enough face-in-peril, having a neat fake-out dive, and taking a pretty crazy bump off the top rope. Morrison out-crazies that bump with his own face-first smash into the apron, Morrison is really too pretty to be taking face-first bumps. Miz and Morrison work over Kofi really well, build to the hot tag really well, just really do everything really well. I need to see them take on Rhodes and Dibiase like, yesterday. Rey comes in all house of fire and ends up eating a mid-air kick to the midsection, courtesy of Morrison via Miz distraction, for his trouble. Really fun match, not a chance it will make the year end list, but worth watching for sure.