Friday, January 9, 2009

The Best and Worst of WWE, 2008

THE BEST WRESTLERS
1. Shawn Michaels
2. Batista
3. Randy Orton
4. John Cena
5. CM Punk

THE BEST MATCHES
1. Shawn Michaels vs Ric Flair, WrestleMania XXIV
2. Triple H vs Randy Orton, Judgment Day
3. Shawn Michaels vs Batista, One Night Stand
4. Randy Orton vs John Cena, No Way Out
5. John Cena vs Batista, SummerSlam

THE WORST MATCHES
1. Jillian vs Candice Michelle, some episode of RAW

THE BEST SURPRISES
1. CM Punk wins the World Title on RAW
2. John Cena's surprise return at the Royal Rumble
3. Lumberjack Edge returns to win WWE Title at Survivor Series
4. CM Punk wins Money in the Bank at WrestleMania
5. Randy Orton retains the title at WrestleMania

THE WORST DISAPPOINTMENTS
1. CM Punk gets fucked in the cornhole out of his title and the best summer ever, Unforgiven
2. Lumberjack Edge decides he wants to be regular Edge and shaves, Smackdown
3. Triple H holds the WWE title for-fucking-ever, for-fucking-ever
4. Jeff Hardy wins the WWE title but still has his stupid music, Armageddon
5. Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho have an epic hate feud only someone forgot to teach either of them how to punch, summer

TWELVE THINGS THAT ARE THE BEST ABOUT RAW
1. The promise of eternal Randy Orton awesomeness
2. CM Punk being my hero
3. JBL and Shawn Michaels doing their 'wrestling as art' thing
4. Chris Jericho being shockingly great
5. Priceless has to come back at some point, right?
6. John Cena is champion and that is a-ok with me
7. Some good pieces to build a women's division around, with the ass of Mickie James, the crazy moves of Melina, the awesome selling of Kelly Kelly, the 'oh God in a couple years Dave is gonna realize Beth Phoenix is Batista and all of her matches are good' factor of Beth Phoenix, and the ass of Layla.
8. Between Rey Mysterio, Dolph Ziggler, William Regal, Miz and Morrison showing
up whenever they feel like it, there is always quality midcard wrestling on the show.
9. Cryme Tyme makes chicks wet and if there is one thing I like it's a blowjob while I watch wrestling.
10. MOTHERFUCKING GOLDUST
11. Dude. Santino. Come on.
12. MOTHERFUCKING MIKE KNOX'S BEARD

FIVE THINGS THAT ARE THE WORST ABOUT RAW
1. CM Punk isn't champion anymore :(
2. The second hour generally isn't Randy Orton having a three way with Kelly Kelly and Layla and flexing into a mirror the entire time. It really should be.
3. While there is enough awesome in the women's division that I am overall positive about it, there is still a lot of suck and Candice Michelle fell off the face of her face at some point and is really terrible now.
4. Mike Adamle isn't GM anymore :(
5. Cole and Lawler are getting pretty fucking unbearable together.

ONE THING THAT IS THE BEST ABOUT ECW
1. Man ECW fucking ROCKS it. Mark Henry, Matt Hardy, The Miz, John Morrison, Finlay. Everyone on the show rules. Fuck you for not watching ECW. Fuck you in the ass.

ONE THING THAT IS THE WORST ABOUT ECW
1. It isn't on television in Canada until some stupid timeslot that at which point I don't care anymore.

TWELVE THINGS THAT ARE THE BEST ABOUT SMACKDOWN!
1. MOTHERFUCKING MARYSE!
2. Big Show, who is disgustingly underutilized. He's probably my sixth or seventh best wrestler from '08, and probably one of the six or seven best promos in the company.
3. MVP, who really needs to start winning soon.
4. Vladdy Kozlov being a pimp Russian destroyer tank.
5. MOTHERFUCKING VICKIE GUERRERO!
6. THE Brian Kendrick and his wicked jackets and his black man servant and his inexplicable losses to a team called The Colons. That last part isn't actually the best.
7. Hurricane Helms hasn't said "just saying", to the best of my knowledge, since actually making his return.
8. They have to use Scotty Goldman eventually.
9. Umaga is due back any day now.
10. With TBK and his black man servant, Miz and Morrison showing up whenever they feel like, and Jesse and Festus, there are some wicked tag teams here.
11. Mr. Kennedy is just plain fun.
12. Dude. The Undertaker. Come on.

EIGHT THINGS THAT ARE THE WORST ABOUT SMACKDOWN!
1. Triple H. Fuck ME he just spent all year pissing me off in 2008. He's going to get the title again at 'Mania and I am going to buy a beer and throw it in the ring and hopefully Texas will join me. I have always loved him but I am not digging a thing he's doing these days. Not one thing.
2. WHO THE FUCK TOLD EDGE TO SHAVE? That was stupid. And he's honestly probably the most overrated dude around at this point. Again, love him, but like with Triple H, I am starting to wonder why.
3. I promised that Jeff Hardy as champion with his gay music would make a list of worst Smackdown! things. Welp.
4. Shelton Benjamin just sucks so much dick.
5. Aside from Maryse, the women's division here is really bad, too.
6. Big Show doesn't get used enough, MVP doesn't get to win, Goldman doesn't get used at ALL... whoever is booking this show is not booking it towards awesomeness all that much.
7. The second hour generally isn't just Randy Orton having a three way with Maryse and Michelle McCool while flexing into a mirror the entire time. It really should be.
8. Maybe the worst set of champions ever. Maryse is awesome, other than that FUCK everyone.

THE BEST TITLE REIGNS
1. CM Punk, World Heavyweight Championship, June-September. Fuck you all, this was GREAT. I was on the edge of my seat in every single match, living and dying with every nearfall. Maybe he wasn't booked the strongest. Maybe he got jewed out of the title in the end and maybe he won in a fluke way. I do not care. This was the best.
2. Randy Orton, WWE Championship, January-April. I am a really huge Orton fan, and was digging the fuck out of his rebirth in the summer of 2007. Then Cena got hurt, Orton was handed the title, and put into a program against a returning Shawn Michaels that pretty much crushed all of Orton's momentum. The Y2J program was boring, but as the year turned, he kicked things up again with Jeff Hardy, then Cena again, then the multi-man stuff that ended with him dropping the belt. He was so great during this period that I was inspired to go through my DVDs, compile every single Orton match I had, and watch them all consecutively.
3. Edge, World Heavyweight Championship, November-December. And only because of the beard.

THE WORST TITLE REIGNS
1. Triple H, WWE Championship, April-November. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The worst part is that he pretty much had all good defenses (the Edge match at the Great American Bash was probably the worst and I need to re-watch it but I remember walking out of the show liking it not too badly), but everything was just so fucking BORING. I did not need a Triple H title reign. You did not need a Triple H title reign. This sucked.
2. Chris Jericho, World Heavyweight Championship, September-October. So at this point it's pretty clear that I have my guys I mark for, mark really hard when they win titles, and hate the shit out of the guys who end up taking the titles after them. Again, Jericho had good matches, and unlike Triple H he was excellent character wise, but fuck me, I would have hated anyone for beating Punk. And no. We do not talk about how Orton was the guy who took Punk out of the match. In fact, fuck you.

Here's hoping for more things that are the best and less things that are the worst in 2009!

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